Stress, Anxiety, and Hidden Emotions

There’s been some evidence that hidden emotions are linked to some to anxiety issues.  That when we bury, or repress, negative emotions that can lead to anxiety. And since none of us are immune I thought I’d share my own story which of course, is still a work in progress.

I tend to be able to cope with major life or stressful events fairly easily. I go into a task oriented mode and deal with the situation clinically. My faith feels strong and connected with God when it’s a major crisis event. However, when small things upset me in big ways I feel disconnected, alone, even incompetent. As I did some soul searching this past year, I discovered some of the reason I have this problem is a hidden “should statement” in my brain. “I shouldn’t feel this way.” There are different “reasons” for my believing this statement but usually something like: “I should be a bigger person”, “I know better”, “Jesus would just forgive them”, “I should forgive them, I forgiven far worse”, “It’s just a little thing, this is ridiculous it's upsetting me”, “A nice person wouldn’t be bothered by this”, “I should just let this go, it’s no big deal”, and so on. I don’t know if any of these kind of thoughts ring true for you, but they’re pretty common for those of us with anxiety.  The wording may vary from person to person but the theme is similar.

One little text from a friend or family member can set me into a major tailspin, while a car crash I’m able to work through without going through any major anxiety or panic attacks. Then I begin to question my own sanity. “I’m so stupid. Why is this one little thing bugging me? It’s not the end of the world.” But still I find myself stressed over that one little sentence. Other thoughts seep in. In the past family members have been upset with me over what I believe to be very little things. So upset, in once case I never heard from again even after writing a few letters. Like things creating big conflict. Things like forgetting to call before showing up at their home, not keeping in touch often enough (not that they ever kept in touch), posting a picture on social media, or even making a pie (long story). So because it’s happened before I’m thinking FOR sure this is going to happen again. In fact it will likely happen anytime there’s any conflict. 

This is my hidden emotion, or hidden thought if you will. Fear of abandonment because I might have said or done something wrong.  In my mind I wonder what’s wrong with me? I do my best but I still screw up. I put energy into being the best I can be but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough. 

Now I don’t know about you. but I can see a lot of distortion’s, exaggerations, or untruthful thinking, just in those few sentences/questions. But even though I know there’s distortions, and they’re not true, when I’m feeling anxious I believe them 100%.

Most of the time we can crush a thought without figuring out why it’s there in the first place. BUT with hidden emotions we do have to do some digging. While knowing why we have a particular thought doesn’t usually crush it, we end up in a loop of thoughts until we draw it out.  We work on surface negative thoughts but they repeat the next time a stressor comes our way. This is deeper work. Digging down into our hearts.  

One of the ways to search out a hidden emotion is to recognize patterns between certain kinds of stressors/events and certain thoughts.  Another way is to use the “downward arrow” a cognitive technique. And lastly an easy place to start is 'niceness' since, for about 75% of those with anxiety, the most common hidden emotion is niceness.  Now, I know ‘niceness’ isn’t really an emotion. It’s a self-defeating belief.  I’m supposed to be nice (because X) and therefore I can’t be upset, angry, hurt, etc. That’s the emotion part of it. The anger, hurt, etc.  I encourage you to listen to this podcast by Dr. Burns about anxiety and hidden emotions: https://feelinggood.com/2017/03/13/027-scared-stiff-the-hidden-emotion-model-part-5/

But in any case, whatever your hidden emotion/self-defeating belief, to crush the negative thought we may need to use several tools. We need to come up with a positive belief we can believe 100%. One of those techniques is acceptance. The crazy thing about accepting a negative belief is you can actually crush it by seeing the value and truth in it. That may sound really strange, but it actually helps you to positively reframe it. Let me give you an example. So one of my thoughts regarding my anxiety when a mistake is pointed out to me is: “It’s not fair. I try really hard to honour my friends/family’s wishes and when I screw up they shouldn’t be angry with me. I’m only human.” So let’s break that down. First of all, it hinges on the fact that nobody should get angry or upset with me, ever. Is that realistic? What am I asking of those around me if they should never get angry, or hurt, or upset ever? Is that fair of me to expect that of them? Note this line of thinking is doesn’t put more blame on me or them. It’s just to see the reality of the situation as it is. If I screw up and hurt someone they have a right to get upset, hurt, angry, or even just let me know (they might not be feeling any of those things, just pointing out something I did). There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make them a bad person or me a bad person, we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have feelings.  Getting angry isn’t the end of the world, nor does it necessarily mean the end of a friendship. I don’t need to withdraw just because I’m afraid of anger. I might not like it, I might feel uncomfortable about it, I might wish it never happened. Those are acceptable thoughts.

Now there are some truths in my negative thoughts listed above, for example I do try hard. Here’s one way to refrain this thought. I care a lot about my friendships in my family and so I try hard to be the best person I can be but sometimes I screw up and that hurts them. It’s OK for them to express this hurt however it affects them, whether that is anger or pain, and in it which ever way they want to communicate that to me. I don’t have to fix the problem in fact many times I can’t it’s something that can’t be undone.

Positive reframing is only one way to deal with a negative emotion and it works even better if you can dig deep and find the hidden emotions and self-defeating believes underlying this anxiety. Unfortunately positive reframing doesn’t work all the time and sometimes you need other tools where you can talk with someone else through them. I went through this with a negative thought about being a failure as a mother.  I did some of the CBT tools by myself which helped quite a bit. But I still had anxiety on and off until I did a short role-play technique with a peer. That 10 minutes cured months of anxiety and it’s been gone for a year now. Now we do get relapses, that’s guaranteed. But we know the tools to use to help squash those painful anxiety feelings by crushing the negative thoughts. We use the same ones that gave us the first victory. So if your dealing with anxiety, try the self-help books they are very powerful (especially “When Panic Attacks” by Dr. David Burns) and if you still need some support look for someone you can talk to who is willing to work with you using these tools. You can even find a friend who read the book as well, and practice together or look for a therapist near you. Let’s face it we are all defective human beings and it times we need a helping hand. How critical are you someone else who says they need help? I bet you’re more critical of yourself. So if it’s OK for some people to get help why not you?

If you’d like to work with me on an anxiety issue, book a free 15 minute consultation session here.

Faith and Therapy - Is There A Conflict?

Over the years I’ve learned I’m not alone. As unusual and unique my situation and my circumstances, even my thought process at times, when I’ve shared my story I found others who can resonate with the topic of conversation. So I know there are people out there who are wondering, how could I ever go to therapy if I’m a Christian or person of faith? Shouldn’t my faith and scripture be enough? Won't the therapist just try to make me feel better without me changing the way I’m supposed to?

Over the years, as I studied scripture, my faith has grown and strengthened in different ways. First, I’ve learned my God is so big, so amazing, and so loving, His grace truly is sufficient for me. That has brought an immense amount of comfort. But there is an opposing force. Satan, the father of lies, will use anything he can to cause suffering, including your religion. I'm borrowing that from Mike Christison, RCC, MACC, Here’s a link to the podcast "Spirituality and Psychotherapy: Contradictory or Complementary?" for more on this subject. 

There is no conflict between TEAM therapy, or the integrative approach that I use, and faith.  In fact, I found much support within the Bible for the concepts and methods we use.  Here's some of what I found, granted this is from a Christian perspective.  I am by no means trying to alienate other faiths, this is just what I am familiar with. The podcast listed above goes into more detail how those of any faith can benefit from TEAM therapy, and I assure you I would never push my faith in a therapy session EVER!

With that disclaimer, do we see in the Bible those who had issues with "negative" emotions? Of course. In fact, Jesus, our Lord, King, and example, struggled with complex, painful, and conflicting emotions. "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" So, do you take this Bible verse literally? Do you really believe God forsook Jesus? Or perhaps it just felt that way to Christ in that moment of crisis. If the creator of the universe (John 1:1-states Jesus was the creator) could feel so abandoned why are we so hard on ourselves for feeling badly!!!   Job, also had some really painful emotions and he was said to be "a righteous man" by God Himself! Job 15:11,12 “Is God’s comfort too little for you?  Is his gentle word not enough? What has taken away your reason?” 

Reason can go out the window in times of severe stress or emotional crisis, such as King David when we was so ashamed of his sin against Uriah and Bathsheba. 2 Samuel 12:18, “Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. ‘He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,’”  

That's one of the tools of TEAM therapy, we use reason to get us back on track.  This gives us a Biblical foundation for doing cognitive-style therapy (using reason & wisdom) and there is more:

• God commanded us to use reason. Isaiah 1:18, KJV. “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord:” TEAM uses reason at it’s core.  We are arguing with distorted, untruthful, or misapplied negative thoughts.  Reason is how we defeat those thoughts.
• Jesus, our example, used reason. Acts 17:17 ESV. “So he reasoned in the synagogue with the Jews and the devout persons, and in the marketplace every day with those who happened to be there.”
• Wisdom is open to reason. James 3:17, ESV. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.”  Wisdom from heaven is “open to reason.”  This verse also explores how to reason with heavenly wisdom. We can have this.  God’s wisdom is first pure, that is there is no fault in it – no distortions. Then peaceable, gentle, full of mercy, how we reason with others is done warmly with empathy.  It is impartial, no bias, and it is sincere, we must be genuine.
• Thoughts lead to emotions and actions/behaviours is the core of  cognitive therapy and TEAM-CBT. The Bible uses this principle. 1 Peter 1:13, ESV. “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Prepare your mind, the mind is the starting point.  Set your hope, you can choose your emotions and beliefs. Even for bad habits or things we think we can’t control this principle applies.  We start with our thoughts.  Job 31:1, NIV. “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” Making a covenant, purposing in ones heart, these are choices.
• God’s word can help us examine our thoughts. Hebrews 4:12, ESV. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
• We can’t trust all the thoughts and feelings that we have because of our sinful nature. Proverbs 28:26, ESV. “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” Mark 7:21-22, ESV. “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.” Note: the words heart and mind are used interchangeable in scripture.   In our culture heart means emotion, but that was not how it was used 1000’s of years ago.  Even still you could argue that still works, because when we control our thoughts we control our emotions. Romans 8:6, ESV. “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Philippians 2:5, ESV. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…”
• Feelings are not our guide, thoughts must be and they can be on better things. Proverbs 19:2, ESV. “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” Colossians 3:1-2, ESV. “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” We can change our minds and be a new person. Ephesians 4:23, ESV. “..be renewed in the spirit of your minds…” 1 Corinthians 2:16, ESV. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” 
• Working on a spiritual level is important. Colossians 3:2 ESV. “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” This verse also can be used as a promise that the thing of this earth don’t need to consume our minds. 

There are even Bible verses about negative thoughts that are in line with TEAM therapy (and other therapy models, including CBT, DBT, mindfulness, etc.):

•  Negative thoughts seem real. Proverbs 14:12 as well as Proverbs 16:25, ESV. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” This verse is almost word for word the same in both places. Bible writers would repeat things that were of extra importance, thus we can deduce God is really cautioning us about thinking we know what is right in absolute terms.  Being open to exploring what we believe is the only safe guard. We can be sure about what we believe about ourselves, others, or even how we understand the Bible, yet be wrong.  Reason, prayer, surrender, along with continued study are vital to know truth. 
• We can kill our own happiness by the negative thoughts that we believe.  Proverbs 15:26, ESV. “The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but gracious words are pure.” Since “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” we are not excluded from this verse. So, are you being gracious to yourself, having pure or truthful thoughts?
• Bible teaches us to dispute our negative thoughts. 1 Corinthians 3:18 ESV. “Let no one deceive himself...”  1 John 4:1, ESV. “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” We can be influence by the spirits/Angels around us, for good or bad.  We could also view this verse as talking about our own spirit and thoughts. Replace the word spirit with thought and this is how it reads, Beloved, do not believe every thought, but test the thoughts to see whether they are from God, for many false theories have gone out into the world.

We have permission from scripture to work on our belief system, in TEAM therapy we call it analyzing self-defeating beliefs (REBT and CBT therapists also work on self-defeating beliefs), and there is biblical evidence certain tools can be effective:

• Humility is critical. This verse could also be used to support acceptance. 1 Corinthians 3:18 ESV. “…If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise.”
• God has something better for us than our current self-defeating beliefs. Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Ephesians 5:17, ESV. “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
• Life isn’t fair, but God is. James 1:2, ESV. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds…” Trials and challenges shape us, and if we allow it, make us better people.  God can turn bad experiences into a positive outcomes for those that are willing to trust Him. Romans 8:28, NIV. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Notice, it doesn’t say all things are good, or all things work good.  There is a catch to this verse, all things work for the good of those who love him. Love trusts.
• Positive reframing and straightforward thinking are tools I use in my sessions with clients. The Bible supports we are to focus on positive thoughts. Philippians 4:8, ESV. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
• Examine the evidence, another tool in the TEAM and other therapy models. Testing thoughts to see if they are true. Romans 12:2, ESV.  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Acts 17:11, ESV. “… they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.”

That's just the tip of the iceberg so to speak.  There is support for us to work through some of the stuff that goes on in our heads. It's ok to get help and support, God understands.  In fact, I strongly believe God has given me the tools to do this job.  I felt called to become a therapist, so there must be people God has out there that need me to be a therapist. Just seems logical to me.

Here's a disclaimer that actually ties this all together, or I hope it does. A good therapist from any background is there to be a guide but they are on dangerous ethical ground if they work against your belief system vs your self-defeating beliefs or cognitive distortions (distorted thoughts). Most therapists try to honor their clients without imposing their own ideas. Now, I admit from experience this doesn't always happen, and research shows desire/effort doesn't always equal success. If you feel your therapist seems to be leading you in a direction not congruent with your belief system, OR if your therapist doesn't realize you feel in conflict, it is up to you to tell them how you feel. Also, not every counsellor is a good fit for every client.  I'm certainly not perfect, and I am not a good fit for every client either. It's ok to shop around! 

If you do want to give me a try, and you live in Canada, I'd love to talk with you. If you live in the USA, or elsewhere, I offer life coaching which can be quite effective for many life challenges too! Book a free 15 minute consultation, to learn more. 

How I Recovered From Depression

Depression affects more than 300 million people worldwide*.  The World Health Organization states, "Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide, and is a major contributor to the overall global burden of disease."*  Some stats report up to 15% of people will experience major depression (who know how many will have to deal with mild or moderate symptoms).**

But beyond statistics, it gets personal when it’s a dear friend, close family member, or even closer to home, yourself. I’ve certainly not come away unscathed. Several years back I was diagnosed with depression and given some antidepressants. But what really helped me to completely heal was an integrative approach. The program I went through was called the Depression Recovery Program by Dr. Neil Nedley.  This program has since been renamed The Depression and Anxiety Recovery program because it works for both. This integrative approach aims to eliminate or reduce the risk factors for depression as far as possible. Those risk factors according to Dr. Nedley's research include***:

• genetics
• certain events during upbringing
• nutrition (lack of certain nutrients or too much of others)
• certain lifestyle choices (such as not enough activity)
• frontal lobe function 
• toxins (certain heavy metals)
• social support
• addictions
• medical conditions such as diabetes
• interrupted circadian rhythm

Some of these you can’t do anything about now, such as your genetics or childhood development. (although you could make a difference in future generations). But the good news is Dr. Nedley found that you usually had to have four "hits" to get depression. That means even if you had the genetic marker and a rotten child hood you could still work on the other eight hit categories of risk factors to prevent or reverse depression. Note: there are several individual items within each of these risk factor categories, but he found that that did not increase your likelihood of having depression. Another words, if you had 2 addictions and 2 nutrition issues that wouldn’t necessarily give you depression.

This makes a lot of sense because when researchers try to isolate and study, say tryptophan, they find it has an impact on depression but not everyone with a tryptophan deficiency has depression.  Dr. Nedley's approach is a more accurate way to work toward healing depression because it's covering a multitude of risk factors. His 10 category "hit" model has been researched and given an 84% sensitivity rate (research speak for a form of accuracy).

And he has been very successful with using this category approach in practical programs. In one study, after only 8 weeks on the program (done by video, workbook, and small group classes once a week), 57.6% (2754 participants) did not qualify as depressed. Keep in mind, the whole program is 12 weeks, and many participants do not work the program but only watch the videos. I would love to see the numbers from this study on those who actually do the program. In my limited experience (and other director's I've been in contact with) it's been close to 99% for those that do the whole program, and this is substantiated by the 99% success rate of those that attend the live in program*****.  Anyway I don’t want this to be an advertisement, I just wanted to set the foundation for my experience and why I believe so strongly in an integrative approach.

Dr. David Burns, who uses cognitive behaviour therapy along with other powerful tools he has developed also has an incredibly far above average success rate.  I believe one of the reasons Dr. Burns model is so successful is because the power of the mind is incredible in healing the body. Also when doing this kind of cognitive behaviour therapy (more advanced than standard CBT) you really are working on several of the risk categories identified by Dr. Nedley such as social, lifestyle, frontal lobe, addiction, and even developmental, in as far as how you perceive its effects on you now.

Back to my story. I found the medication my doctor prescribed gave me the ability to complete Dr. Nedley's program, and work through the Feeling Good book, which shows medication can have a place in this process. To date, I haven’t needed medication since, and that was over 12 years ago.  Yes, part of Dr. Nedley’s program is using cognitive behavior therapy. In fact, in the original program that I took, we used Dr. Burns book "Feeling Good". That’s how I learned about Dr. Burns and eventually TEAM therapy.

But it wasn’t just me, it helped two of my friends and my husband, who took the program with me (we used the in home video program). All four of us recovered from depression within the 12 week program time frame. I went on to become a director and facilitator and found those who stuck with the program had a full recovery from depression. As a bonus we had participants also do better with their diabetes and heart disease. Their doctors even had to reduced their medications just 6 weeks in.

So, while integrative approach is a lot of work, it also improves other aspects of your life. Because you’re not just going to feel better emotionally but also physically. And this means you’re around longer to be with your kids and grandkids. You have more vitality and energy to do the things you would like to do as you age. And if you’re younger, you can help to avoid those top five fatal diseases in Western society that are often preventable****.

So whether you are interesting in learning more about the integrative approach or simply working on your thinking process and emotional health, I’m happy to help you either way. I don’t have a burden to pressure you with what helped me because we all are different and only you can choose what's right for you. I just wanted to share part of my story so you can see there is light at the end of the dark depression tunnel and I understand what it's like to be in that dark place where hope is bleak. Book a free 15 minute consultation with me to learn more how we can work toward a brighter future.

PS: If you are dealing with depression, whether or not you want to work with someone to get help, I encourage you to start with getting Dr. Burns book "Feeling Good", usually under $10, and found in almost any book store in North America or internationally on Amazon in several languages (I checked, it's available in the UK, USA, Canada, Australia, China, France, Germany, and India just to name a few). 2/3 of patients on a waiting list for therapy found they had symptom improvement from depression just from reading this book.

PPS: If you’re feeling like life is not worth living and you’d rather not even be here please contact: 

Crisis Line for Canada toll free 24/7: 1-833-456-4566 Or chat or text www.crisisservicescanada.ca/

National Suicide Prevention Hotline for USA:  1-800-273-8255 OR you can chat with them and other resources online visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org

For International Crisis lines: thelifelinecanada.ca/help/crisis-centres/international-crisis-centres/

Sources:

* “Depression.” World Health Organization, World Health Organization, www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression.

** Morin, Amy, and Lcsw. “How Many People Are Actually Affected by Depression Every Year?” Verywell Mind, www.verywellmind.com/depression-statistics-everyone-should-know-4159056.

*** Nedley, Neil, and Francisco E Ramirez. “Nedley Depression Hit Hypothesis: Identifying Depression and Its Causes.” American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, SAGE Publications, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5103329/.

**** “The Top 10 Deadliest Diseases in the World.” Healthline, Healthline Media, www.healthline.com/health/top-10-deadliest-diseases.

***** Carney, Linda, MD. "Nedley Depression Recovery Program" DrCarney.com Blog, June 2, 2016  https://www.drcarney.com/blog/entry/nedley-depression-recovery-program.

How to be miserable, stay grumpy, and suffer more.

OK have I got your attention? Sometimes we need to look at a problem from a completely new look. The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but what IF we were to explore a course that taught us how to suffer more and be grumpy. What would that look like?

Amendment: So I’ve had some really positive comments on this article in another forum. But I also had a really important constructive criticism so I'm adding 3 key points to remember as you read it. 
1. This article is intended for the reader themself, not to be used as a tool to criticize other people for being critical. 
2. There’s something called logic fallacies. One of those is when the opposite of a fact is also a fact. This is often not the case in reality. Example; Fact: carnivores have canine teeth. But the reverse is not true. Thus having canine teeth does not make something a carnivore. For example gorillas and camels among others, have canines and they are herbivores.

3, Just because something is a risk factor does NOT make it a cause. Example: "Moderate alcohol consumption has been linked to an approximate 30-50% increased risk in breast cancer."* But the alcohol does not cause breast cancer. Nor is it valid or helpful to blame women with breast cancer for drinking a glass of wine at their meal.

4. Poor health and disruption in happiness is not our fault because we are not "positive" enough.  There is an unfair system (sin) at place in our world, where often the person who is hurting has to do work to alleviate their own suffering even though it may not be their fault they are hurting in the first place.  Life can suck, but it doesn't have to stay that way.

5. My humorous look, intentionally overgeneralized, at some tools for cognitive behaviour therapy are not to be taken as rooted in some kind of all or nothing factual science. In fact doing so is a distortion in and of itself. My intention in this article is to look at oneself from a different perspective using humour, because humour can often be quite therapeutic when doing self reflection. We can be pretty hard on ourselves and I was hoping to alleviate some of that pressure by getting you to laugh at some of the mistakes that you might be making. But in no way would I want to shame anyone who is struggling with a critical attitude or denial or any of those things, in fact others may think you are being critical when you are just being honest.  That is there misunderstanding not a reflection on your character. I myself have struggled with many of the items in the follow list. I think that’s why I found it so relevant to me personally and why found so much humour in it.

  

The first step in being miserable would be to be, stay in denial. Why? Well, if you’re denying it you don’t have to deal with it. Denial a way of enabling you to continue to feel miserable when the event is already passed. You can deny that it’s over and relish in your depressed, angry, frustrated state. Next step, hold it all in. Certainly don’t share what you’re thinking and feeling with anyone else. After all they can’t help you. They’ll probably just say what you’re going through isn’t even relevant. At the very least, they’re going to minimize it and try, or worse yet try to fix it for you.

If you can’t hold it in, then complain. Complaining is a great way to stay grumpy. After all you’re just telling people the truth. I mean isn’t honesty the best policy? In fact, I highly recommend journaling. List all the problems you’re having and how miserable each one makes you feel. That way whenever you get a little too positive or happy, you can go back and rehash old grudges.

Mope. Moping lets the body know the correct position to be in when you’re feeling terrible. There’s nothing worse than a hypocrite, like someone smiling when they’re miserable inside. So it’s much better to mope because you’re being honest with the world around you.

Notice honesty has come up a few times. Being right is the best way to keep your relationships on the rocks and protect you from being vulnerable. After all when your always right it’s really hard for other people to live up to your expectations and that can increase your suffering tremendously.

Blame yourself and others. A good place to start is blaming others, that’s usually easier than blaming yourself. Well it does depend on your personality, and either one works pretty good. Blaming others takes all the responsibility off your shoulders, and since you’re not responsible you can’t fix it. Blaming others takes the pressure off you from having to make yourself miserable because people often hurt us and do us wrong.  Remember since you are right, they must be wrong. That’s just logical.

Of course if you have a hard time blaming others, then you can always turn to blaming yourself. This is also quite effective because it acknowledges the fact that you’re an idiot, a failure, and since you are those things there’s no point in trying to fix anything.  It’s just who you are and this will just continue to go on forever.

Minimize the positive. Those happy thoughts thinkers with all their foo foo fluff just don’t know reality. If you minimize positive things that you or others do, it helps put everything more in context of reality. It certainly won’t last. Nothing good lasts forever.

Accentuate the negative. You could even exaggerate a little bit.  I mean come on, realistically who doesn’t get that when you’re feeling miserable and grumpy, exaggeration is probably more truthful than saying it exactly the way it is. Here’s and example, I’ve got such a headache feel like my heads going to explode. I mean it’s not really going to explode, but you’ve got articulate it well so people get how you’re feeling.

Trust your emotions. Oh this is a good one. Your emotions are really going to tell you how you should be feeling and thinking. Just go with your gut, go with your heart, that’ll really stop all your positive thinking. I mean if you feel miserable you must be miserable. If you’re feeling lonely you must be alone.  You can’t trust that someone sitting beside you is really going to be there for you. I mean obviously they’re not doing enough to make you feel part of the group. Oh I guess I’m combining blame here. Well that’s great to show you can combine several of these to make them far more effective in staying miserable.

Remember, if it’s ever happened once, somewhere, to someone, it can happen to you. That’s right if it’s possible it’s probable. There’s at least one person out there who got run over by a truck while sitting in their living room. You should worry about that every time you sit down to enjoy watching some TV. I mean sure, they’d have to drive on the sidewalk, across the lawn, and through the house wall, but it’s possible right? And I mean if we’re going to be positive, we need to be positive that the possible can happen. That leads me to the next one.

If it’s happened before it’s going to happen again. If you found a hair in your food three times in a row, then you can certainly conclude every time you eat out there will be a hair in it. This is a good one to combine with our last one “if it’s possible it’s probable”. After all if bacteria can be on hair, and you found hair in your food three times, you better watch out for flesh eating bacteria in your burger. This tip can add much anxiety to your miserable grumpiness which is a bonus.

Label everything. Now I don’t mean with stickers. Of course you could do that which would take up time and anything that waste your time helps to make you miserable because you’ve wasted time. But what I’m talking here is labelling people or yourself. You see when you label something it really encapsulates what it is at its core. I mean someone didn’t just spilled the milk they are a slob. You didn’t just fail the one test, you are an absolute failure. See how much worse that sounds, there’s great material here for feeling miserable.

I think those tips should really help you to suffer and stay miserable. But if this course really wasn’t right for you then might I suggest the reverse of these? I also recommend reading Dr. David Burn’s best selling book, “Feeling Good” or listen to his podcasts. But I warn you that won’t do much to help you feel grumpy.

OR Get our NEW e-book "The Truth Shall Set You Free" - click here!

https://angelapoch.com/

* McDonald, Jasmine A, et al. “Alcohol Intake and Breast Cancer Risk: Weighing the Overall Evidence.” Current Breast Cancer Reports, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Sept. 2013, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3832299/.

Insomnia driving you crazy? Tips on getting better night’s sleep and the connection to mental health.

Type the words “sleep & mental health” into Google and you’ll get article after article from reputable sources relating how important sleep is to our mental well-being. From medical journals to blogs by psychologists, the interconnection between body and mind play out very closely when it comes to sleep and poor mental health.

While the studies of neurochemistry and neuroscience are still in infancy, researchers are discovering some very real connections between sleep and mental stability, or lack thereof. “There are some studies in both children and adults are suggesting that a lack of proper sleep may raise risk for, an even directly contribute to some psychiatric disorders And that treating the sleep disorder may actually help alleviate symptoms of the mental health problems caused by that sleep disturbance”. (Harvard Health 2009)

Depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, Schizophrenia, PTSD, and psychosis, just to name a few, are disorders that have been studied in relation to sleep. Up to 80% of the people who have these disorders also have sleep problems and while it’s been long thought there was some kind of correlation, now scientists are starting to see an actual causal relationship. That means lack of sleep is actually contributing to the disorder itself. (Scott 2017) Just one statistic reports, people with insomnia are twice as likely to develop depression as those who sleep normally. (Khawja MD 2017) This is it to say sleep alone will cure all these diseases, but the more we can make a positive choice, the more we get a handle on each aspect of health, the more we can improve both our physical and mental health.

So what constitutes a good night's sleep? Is there a set number of hours you should sleep? What time is best? How do you get a good quality of sleep? The answers to all these questions are important so let’s dive into each one. 

A good night's sleep is one where you fall asleep within 30 minutes of going to bed, don't wake more than a couple times during the night, more than 20 minutes awake during those periods of time,  you spend 85% or more of time asleep while in bed, you don't need an alarm to wake you up, and you feel rested in the morning. 

Most sleep experts agree 7 to 8 hours is the optimal amount of time for a good night's sleep.  It is true some people seem fine, even appear to thrive on, under 7 hours on the pillow.  I've know a gentleman who slept less than 4 hours per night most of his life and he had so much energy he thought it was ok. Turn out he was bi-polar and sadly he ended up drying of suicide in his 60's.  Let this be a warning, you can't judge your sleep only by how much or little energy you have.  This can be a dangerous road. People think they are the exception to the rule until poor health sets in and it's too late.  Too much sleep can be indicative of a health issue was well.  Generally over 9 hours on a regular bases is cause for concern. Talk to your doctor if either of these apply to you.  

I know some of you night owls will disagree with this next one, but studies confirm it's best to get to bed between 8pm and midnight depending on time of the year, where you live, and other factors.  Most people have a spike in melatonin around 9pm, which is the hormone to help you sleep deep and to repair your body.

So how do you get the best quality of sleep? Develop a healthy bedtime route. Routines help our bodies maintain a systematic circadian rhythm enabling good sleep cycles.  Go to bed at the same time each night, get up the same time each morning, limit caffeine throughout the day, don't eat a large meal at least 4 hours before bed, have a relaxing routine 1 hour before bedtime, limit screen time 1 to 2 hours before bed (blue light affects sleep), keep the room dark as possible, leave electronics out of the bedroom, and don't do anything but sleep in bed (well, there is one other thing you can do but no reading in bed, texting, etc.).  The mind and body are habitual.  If you only sleep in bed it becomes a trigger to sleep just by laying there.

If you'd like to know how you are sleeping visit: www.higherpath.ca/sleep for a free assessment and hand out on sleep.

References:
“Understanding Sleep.” Mental Health Canada, www.mentalhealthcanada.com/article_detail.asp?lang=e&id=28.

Allen, Lauren. “How Sleep Affects Mental Health | Effects of Poor Sleep on Anxiety, Depression, & ADHD.” Neurocore, Neurocore, 12 July 2018, www.neurocorecenters.com/blog/how-sleep-affects-mental-health.
Breus, Michael. “Sleep and Mental Health Disorders.” Psych Central, Psych Central.com, 8 Oct. 2018, psychcentral.com/lib/sleep-and-mental-health-disorders/.
Scott, Alexandar J, et al. “Does Improving Sleep Lead to Better Mental Health? A Protocol for a Meta-Analytic Review of Randomised Controlled Trials.” NCBI, 18 Sept. 2017, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5623526/.
Harvard Health Publishing. “Sleep and Mental Health.” Harvard Health Blog, Harvard Health Publishing, July 2009, www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/sleep-and-mental-health.
Updated: June 19, 2018
Curtin, Cathryn. SHFAustralia. “Sleep and Mental Health.” The Sleep Health Foundation, www.sleephealthfoundation.org.au/news/sleep-blog/sleep-and-mental-health.html.
Khawaja, Imran, S, M.D. “Sleep Disorders and Mental Illness Go Hand in Hand.” UTSouthwestern Medical Center, utswmed.org/medblog/sleep-disorders-mental-illness/.
“Sleep Disorders, Depression, Schizophrenia -- How They're Related.” WebMD, WebMD, www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/psychiatric-disorders.
“Sleep Matters: The Impact Of Sleep On Health And Wellbeing.” Mental Health Foundation, 17 Jan. 2016, www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/sleep-report.
“Find Out Your Best Hours for Sleep Based on Your Biology and Your Life.” Sleep.Org, Sleep.Org, www.sleep.org/articles/best-hours-sleep/.

Body, Mind & Soul An Integrative Approach

So I thought today I would talk a bit about why I believe in an integrative approach of body, mind, and soul.  And why I follow a plant-based diet as well as other lifestyle choices.  

Since science can’t really articulate the separation of the physical brain and emotions/thoughts, this will be a little bit philosophical. We all have our different views that come from a combination of things we’ve read from science or the Bible or even social media posts. And while I could document the sources where I get my ideas from, the reality is, I cannot prove it and my goal is not to convince you of my believe but rather to understand a little bit more about why I do what I do.  So, I hope you will read all the way through this article with that in mind.

You may have heard me say body mind health, or body mind and soul, or integrative approach, or various combinations of these. Certainly it's in the name of my blog, website and facebook pages. LOL. Obviously, when I say 'body,' I’m referring to your physical body. Mind refers your thoughts and feelings and soul is the essence of who you are or your personality. 

You might be with me so far, or not, but I’m not sure you’ll be on board with my next belief which is that not only our minds, but our souls are also intricately linked to our physical brain. One of the evidence is for this is Phineas Gauge who had an abrupt personality change when a tamping bar went through his frontal lobe. There’s actually many more stories of people who had brain injuries or disease, and had personality changes, emotional problems, or even the way they think changed. Unlike alzheimer's, some dementia patient's family members will tell you this is NOT the person they remember. So we know that physical disease and injury to the brain do you change thoughts and emotions in a person, and even their personality. As a Christian I believe the breath of life comes from God, as mentioned in Genesis and in the New Testament, and goes back to God when we die. I just don’t believe that the soul and the breath of life are the same thing. I don’t think that your soul lives on without a body.  I actually have a Bible study on this if you like and you can get that here. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in heaven and life after death, just not life immediately after death, I believe in the resurrection John 5:28. 

You might have different definitions for these words, or beliefs, and that’s absolutely fine. I do know many things that affect one affects the other. Having a doctrinal difference won’t affect how we work together, it only explains why the body, and specifically the brain, is so important to protect. Because whether you believe the soul is a separate entity from your body or not, we can agree the mind is affected by physical health, and that one can no longer make good decisions if they get a stroke from a poor lifestyle. Our brain's can't function properly without our whole bodies working in good order.  We need proper nutrition for the chemical messengers in our brains, we need exercise for circulation and delivery of these, and so much more.  We’ve seen this in science many times. We know that extreme lack of sleep can cause emotional problems such as irritability and poor cognitive function. Likewise we know certain thoughts can actually reduce physical pain, reducing emotional stress can lower your risk of cancer and heart disease, and many other interconnections.

A plant based diet is one of the best ways to get on the road to optimal health.  The blue zones are centuries of proof that eating lots of plant foods and limited sugar, added fat, and animal products, is the most healthy way to eat.  There are hundreds of studies and books in modern research to back this up. And even some of those following a keto or low card diet believe this so much they endeavor to be vegan or close to it, which is not easy to do, but is possible. 

  

I think in general people forget how important their overall health is to their emotional happiness.  Of course I totally believe in any state of health you can have peace and even happiness. And I do believe that we can’t always determine how healthy will be by our choices. I realize there are other factors that influence our health such as DNA, environmental factors, and other unknowns out of our control.  Let’s do what we can, when we can, is my philosophy. This is why I choose to walk with you on your journey, rather than dragging you along on mine.

Lower Your Risk of Disease with Life Purpose

Life purpose may seem like a vague concept that has little meaning or value, but research is showing it does have a real impact on health.

One analysis of over 130,000 participants over 10 studies found: "The analysis showed a lower risk of death for participants with a high sense of purpose in life. After adjusting for other factors, mortality was about one-fifth lower for participants reporting a strong sense of purpose, or ikigai.  A high sense of purpose in life was also related to a lower risk of cardiovascular events. Both associations remained significant on analysis of various subgroups, including country, how purpose in life was measured, and whether the studies included participants with pre-existing cardiovascular disease."  “'Purpose in life' linked to lower mortality and cardiovascular risk.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 4 Dec. 2015, www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/303569.php, retrieved 2017-10-19.

So what ikigai?  Its a Japanese saying for a life worth living or a reason for being.  Life purpose can also be described as being useful to someone else.  We talk about volunteering and how that has been shown to increase your life expectancy by up to 7 years in our Optimal Health course, which I'm sure you've taken by now, so I won't belabor the point.

Life purpose can even help improve the quality of sleep and is being research as a drug free way to help with sleep issues.   Prof. Jason Ong, Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine stated, "Helping people cultivate a purpose in life could be an effective drug-free strategy to improve sleep quality, particularly for a population that is facing more insomnia. Purpose in life is something that can be cultivated and enhanced through mindfulness therapies."  “'Purpose in life' linked to lower mortality and cardiovascular risk.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 4 Dec. 2015, www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/303569.php.

So how do you find your life purpose?  It starts with discovering more about yourself and what you enjoy.  What motivates you? What brings you joy?  And if you want to go even deeper, you can use your life purpose as a career.  We have a step by step plan to help you discover your life purpose, book a free 15 minute consultation today! Limited seats available.

 

Empathy is not responsibility.

Wow, I thought I'd take a month off to finish up my school and have a holiday before starting my private practice. That month turned into TWO and boy the time off felt so good!

As my peer world expands to include more and more counsellors, therapists, Pastor’s, teachers, and others in the helping profession, I think this topic is really relevant. Add to that those hundreds and thousands of people who are compassionate and empathetic, and there are a lot of us who have empathy, not only as a core value, but actually part of who we are.

Of course empathy and compassion are similar, but empathy goes deeper. Empathy is where you really put yourself in that person shoes, at least in terms of how they feel. Of course we can't put ourselves in someone else's shoes in terms of how they got there, their particular circumstances, because we're all so unique. We’ve all experienced anger, we’ve all experienced pain, we've all experience happiness and joy. But how we experience those emotions, the intensity of the emotion, and what leads to those will be different for each person. Example you’re sitting in an airplane beside someone who is terrified of flying.  Empathy doesn’t mean you have to be terrified of flying rather empathy gives you that awareness of what that person is going through emotionally and how hard it must be for that person sitting beside you.

When talking about empathy, it occurred to me maybe we should talk about what it is not. As just mentioned, empathy is not feeling exactly the same way about certain circumstance as another person would feel.  And empathy is also not taking on responsibility for the other person’s choices. I think this one really hit home for me as I was watching people struggling with weight loss. In a particular episode, I watched how hard the doctor tried to explain what was going on and the person was in complete denial about the circumstances. This person kept saying, "only I know it’s right for me," "the scale had to be wrong", "I can figure out how many calories are in something and I’m not eating that much."  This person just completely denied reality.  I thought to myself, wow how would I help that person if they came to me as a therapist? And I realized I couldn’t. As much is I could empathize with this person's pain (aches and pains are an ongoing battle for me too) and struggles (I've been wanting to loose weight for 2 years but I don't really try to lose the weight - desire doesn't equal trying, but that's another blog), empathy doesn’t give me the ability to change someone.

Empathy also doesn’t make me responsible for someone else or to force a person to change. Empathy opens up our heart to someone and then we have to move on from that at some point. Each individual person, as much as we influence each other, still has to make their own choices. No a matter how hard the circumstances, or what else is going on around us, we are still alone responsible to choose the path before us.

This means those of us with empathy really have to embrace the concept sitting with open hands. This concept by Dr. David Burns, is basically it’s offering someone a resource (friendship, tools, advice, help..... whatever.) and then you completely, 100%, accept their choice to take it or not.  I think this is super hard for those of us with a lot of empathy because we know their life could be so much better. It’s so hard, we can just feel it. We can feel where they’re at right now, we can feel where they could be at, and we just want it so bad for them.   

Here's the thing, your desire for them cannot turn into any kind of responsibility because it always comes down to free will and their choice.  This is so important for those who are dealing with friends, clients, and family that are struggling.  It is NOT your responsibility to make anyone change.  Not even your spouse or kids or clients.  Yes, you are responsible as far as you are able to influence, guide, and encourage, but it stops there.  You can't choose for them, therefore you are not responsible for their choice.

So next time you feel yourself so drained and arguing with someone, maybe pause and ask yourself: Is my empathy causing conflict because I feel responsible for this person and I wanna force them to make the better choice?

PS: You are always welcome to chat with me. I offer a free 15 minute consultation. 

 

When You’re Angry At Someone Because You See It In Yourself

Monday morning I was eating some raspberry greek yoghurt and a thought cross my mind, I wonder how much lactose in it.  I am on a low FODMAP diet and lactose, a high FODMAP, is often a trigger for those with bowel issues. I find I can have quite a bit of lactose without having any symptoms but I was still curious since I LOVE facts and numbers. So, anyway, I Googled it, as I do when I’m researching, and as I was looking for a good source I came across a question, "If you are lactose intolerant can you still have a little cheese or yogurt?"

My immediate thought was why would you want to? I mean there’s so many other options out there that are far more healthy than dairy. Especially cheese, which is really hard to digest to begin with. Granted I am thinking this as I am eating yogurt, dairy, myself. It struck me, why did I have that thought?  I stopped to do a little self-reflection and I realized it was because I find myself eating foods that I would not normally choose to eat because I’m so limited. I found myself frustrated with those who choose to eat whatever they want because they enjoy it even if they could make better choices because I don’t have that luxury. 

There is a name for this in psychology, if you were in a therapy session would be called counter transference. I have to do a lot of self examination, counter transference work, in my assignments as a student, I thought it was kind of interesting.  I don't have counter transference with my role playing "clients" but I do have bias triggers, like this, people who make poor choices when they have better options available.  Which of course is a judgemental thought and not helpful.  I make poor choices when I have better options available too!!!  

Bias trigger is one of those things that we need to be self-aware of.  Others around us can trigger negative thoughts and feelings within us.  Add to that we can never be truly bias free. We’ll always have opinions and ideas, and those were shape and form or thoughts and feelings. We may even find hints of racist, sexist, or ageist thoughts and having to admit that may frighten us or make us feel guilty.  The challenge is not to make yourself the most politically correct person in the world, but rather to be aware the feelings and thoughts you have so that you can address those in your own mind. If we pretend they don’t exist we will never deal with them.  We have to admit our failings and faults, even embrace them and accept them.  The paradox, once we accept we are human and fail, we then can make real change.  

Sometimes just accepting it, changes it. For example: If I am deceiving myself or blind to a fault, and then I recognize and admit I am blind, just admitting it dissolves it and I see more clearly who I really am.  That doesn't work for all issues, but recognizing it then accepting it are the first two steps. Then you can work to adapt to it or crush it.  In my case, with the yoghurt and the forum participant who wanted to know if they could have a little dairy, I started to ask myself what is it like for this person?  They are a real human being with struggles, frustrations, cares, worries, and loss in their own life.  How is it that I assume they have it easier and they should just choose better.  Soon as I said "should" I remembered the 10 cognitive distortions (untruths we tell ourselves).  If you'd like to learn more about telling yourself the truth click here.  

PS: You are always welcome to chat with me. I offer a free 15 minute consultation. 

 

Angela Poch, certified life coach, certified level 1 TEAM* practitioner, and certified nutritional counsellor. 

www.bodymindhealthcoach.com 

*TEAM-CBT, developed by Dr David Burns, is an evidenced-based approach to psychotherapy with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) at its core, recognizing the connection between thoughts and emotions, and behaviour, but inclusive of various techniques across many approaches. TEAM is an acronym: Testing, Empathy, Acceptance (paradoxical Agenda setting) and Methods. 

Having a Bad Day, is Ok!

We all have days we want to just stay in bed.  Or days, where we can’t stay in bed, because of our minds are racing going over all the things we should have done, wish we could do, and so on.  Days that are just off, or days that are stressful, days were we worry too much.  Dr. David Burns states, “One minute of feeling upset is okay. Or an hour, a day, or a week. But I don’t want my patients to have to struggle with weeks, months, years or decades of misery.  I always tell my patients that we are all entitled to five happy days per week. If you aren’t having your five happy days, you need a little mental “tune-up! But if you’re having more than five happy days per week, that could be a problem,…” Blog post 2017-03-10, “Feeling Good” retrieved 2018-05-30 from: https://feelinggood.com/2017/03/10/is-it-possible-to-be-happy-all-the-time/

I had one of those days recently.  I am currently in a life transition and I find myself worrying about things I care about like friends and family who are struggling with life issues.  What if you listed all the good things about your sadness, stress, or anxiety? Like this: my worry about my friends and family says I care, I love them.  It reveals my thoughts are of them and I want what’s good for them.  It reminds me to make them a priority and not let life just float past.  These are all positive things and since my worry only lasts a day or two, I can accept and embrace it instead of being more anxious because I have a little worry in my life. 

Fear of fear, anxious of worry, frustrated about being angry. Worrying about negative feelings is a curse we all face at some point.  Maybe we recognize it, maybe we don’t.  Understanding that negative feelings are not all bad is a great step in finding true inner peace and happiness.  Struggles are part of life, and in fact, often make us better people.  They can remind us to look outside ourselves for a source of strength we can rely on, like spirituality.  For me that is a loving creator God.  What is your external strength? Can you rely on it?

Visit www.BodyMindHealthCoach.com and take our free course “Optimal Health” to learn more about the science of spirituality and how it affects your happiness, quality of life, and how long you live.

Coping With Information Overload

I had a client recently who came to me to learn more about plant based nutrition, as many do.  They had concerns about whether or not they were eating right because of various symptoms they had.  In the course of our sessions, she discovered one of her biggest issues was actually information overload.  While, she did need help with menu planning, the heart of the matter wasn't food but rather trying to wade through all the things in her life that demanded her attention.  Believe it or not, information can put some of most intense demands on you.

We are constantly bombarded with a myriad of useless facts, family updates, intense controversies, pseudoscience, and more on social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Google.  Add to that shopping, like cereal choices at the grocery store, choices on which store to shop at, keeping track of sales, etc. and that's only TWO aspects of your life that flood you with information.  What about work, recreation, family, and other more important parts of life?

This all adds up to stress or stressors that are all around us every day, day after day.  How do we cope with this flood of facts, stories, questions, decisions?  It will vary from person to person.  You may choose to limit the time you spend online, for example I only go on Facebook a couple times a week. Or limit the sources you know to be accurate so you're not spending more time trying to figure out if what you are reading is true or false. These help me tremendously.  Others find meditation or relaxation techniques helpful.

Learn more about stress and stress management with our online course "Cooling Down Stress" which comes with an e-book and videos, regular priced $100, SALE 90% off, for only $10 OR get all our courses for $1 for one month.  Use coupon: blog90 when you check out. Click here to learn more.

Angela Poch, CN