August 31, 2021
Like everyone, I have a bias. My bias comes from both my upbringing and the choices that I make now. I choose to be rational, thoughtful, deliberate. I firmly believe, based on the Bible, science, and my own experience, that our thoughts cause our emotions 99% of the time. There can be influence of drugs and alcohol, sleep, hormones, situations, or other factors that influence our thoughts, but primarily it is our underlying belief system that triggers negative thoughts which in turn drives our emotions.
Let me tell you how I came to this bias. I grew up on the outside looking in. There were some unusual things about my life that made me question the so-called stereotypes in the world. My mom is from white European dissent yet grew up in poverty. She was picked on by her classmates and even her principal in high school told her she’d be better off on the street selling herself. She was dismissed, often called a liar, and ridiculed for her principles. My mom did not have it easy. She suffered abuse at the hands of friend and foe.
My dad, on the other hand, was a foster kid. There were no camping trips or birthday parties. They didn’t get toys for Christmas and had to work on the farm. But my dad felt connected to and loved by his foster father. He has many happy stories of his childhood. Yet my dad always speaks of enjoying his childhood.
I’m realizing how unique my situation is. There are a lot of people who grow up in stereotypical environments. They grew up in an unloving foster care system, pushed around from parent to parent can’t never finding a loving supportive guide to help them through childhood. There are many many thousands upon thousands who are discriminated against because of their colour of their skin. There are those that grow up in and around gangs, and violence, and fear.
My heart truly aches for those who have these experiences. They are unjust, horrible, need to be changed. And I am a firm believer in making changes, improving the world around us.
For me it’s so important to see the individual story and the ultimate truth combined. For these are never at odds. And we underestimate our own personal value system when we turn over our power to Believing our feelings are caused by our situation. Don’t get me wrong, our feelings can be a result of our circumstances and situation. I know it sounds like I’m splitting hairs but there is a very important difference.
Our circumstances and situations influence our thoughts based on our beliefs system and values. This is so important to recognize. Because what’s bothering us is not what’s wrong with us it was right with us. I’m stealing that from David Burns. Can you see if I have a high sense of justice and moral code of conduct then I will be angry when I see people hurting others. This is not a bad thing. And recognizing my thoughts about justice and high standards actually cause my feelings of anger does not make them less important or less real but rather more important and more real. Because I acknowledge their directly connected to my values.
Every day we have many thoughts and many feelings. These are influenced by our core beliefs. Our beliefs may or may not be correct and will be influenced by our bias. And because of that our thoughts are not always positive influences on us. In cognitive behaviour therapy we call these negative thoughts. And these are thoughts that have distortion cause painful emotions, or emotions that linger too long, or emotions that are not appropriate possibly even hiding what’s really going on inside.
BUT this is great news because we can change these thoughts by identifying the distortions!!!
However not all thoughts are distorted nor would we want to change all of our thoughts just because they lead to uncomfortable emotions. No, it’s important for me to never give up my anger toward an injustice in this world. I embrace my pain when I think about what my native family has had to face being separated from their tribes. I would not give that up for anything. I think that pain and anger actually helps me to be more grateful and more happy.
That’s my last point of how my bias influences my thinking. That we can have multiple emotions at the same time. In fact I would say this is the most way of being. I think this starts to become obvious to people as they age. We can be excited for someone getting married or having a baby and yet we are grieving the loss of a dear friend who has passed away that same day. I think media has corrupted her thinking process. We want nice cookie-cutter little boxes to put our feelings in. Life isn’t that way and when we try to manipulate our life to fit some thing we’ve read or something someone else has told us or something we’ve watched we miss out on all the beauty going on inside of us and around us. We don’t have to focus on only one thing for that one thing to be very important to us.
Anyways I wanted to share these biases openly and honestly because not everybody will have the same ones. And I want you to know that’s OK. Freedom of choice is the starting point for everything that we are. And so I do try to keep my biases at bay as a counsellor or life coach, but as an individual human being I actually embrace some of my biases they are part of who I am. While other in but biases I work hard to change and keep in check. Because I know not all biases are inherently true. Just like not all thoughts are undistorted.
August 27, 2020
So, with all that preamble, here's a short, partial version of my own identity journey.
Generally speaking I have a poor recollection of my childhood, but there are some portions that really stand out. When I was about five or six I started to grasp the concept of boys and girls. As the realization set in, I became very upset that I was a girl. I remember crying and praying with every fibre of my being, "Why God did you make me a girl?" "I should have been a boy." I totally, 100% felt I had the wrong body. I didn't feel like a girl at all and I was upset and confused by it. It was a very painful and upsetting.
Over the next few years, I continued to hate "being a girl", and from time to time had some negative thoughts about it, but for the most part I enjoyed my childhood. I made big truck box forts but never touched a doll. I cooked, sewed, and cleaned, all the chores any boy or girl should learn to do (certainly my husband and his two brothers learnt all these too!). I'd wear dresses my mom made but played barefoot in the mud. But my saving grace, I would spend hours in the woods, we had 5 wooded acres with water springs and beautiful flowers. I loved nature and it was so healing. I grew closer and closer to God through the Bible and nature, and thought less and less about my body or my gender.
As I grew up, I found I could make friends with just about anyone; old or young, boy or girl, hell's angel bikers or church members. I knew how boys thought and fit in with them very well, rough and tumble, no problem. But I could get along with girls too. People were people. In my mind I didn't fit any box so why should I box up anyone else?
As I went through puberty I trusted God to get me through the mixed emotions and He did. I knew no matter what life threw at me, even genetics, God could get me through. My faith kept me looking to Jesus rather than myself or my identity. I learned that, while life circumstances can be hard or painful, and my body may not be what I want, I could choose to enjoy life. (By the way that's CBT in a nutshell, but I didn't know that!) As a teen I realized, maybe it wasn’t so bad that I was kind of half boy half girl. Maybe this was a blessing.
I’m thankful I grew up processing my gender issues by myself. I’m really glad I didn’t live in a world that pushed people into boxes (because my parents protected me from that). I feel like as much as we're trying to be neutral or helpful, these days we are stressing out kids more with all the "education" on this topic. Kids don't need a science lesson to discover who they are. Give them a safe place to grow up and they will figure it out on their own. Key is a safe place, and that's pretty rare, but that's another story.
I want to pause here. There are all kinds of factors that can influence what gender is. There’s chromosomes, physical appearance, and stuff we don’t have a full understanding of. Did you know you can have the physical appearance of one gender yet the DNA of another? YES, it's possible and more common than you might think. In fact, 1 in 1000 babies are born intersex.1 Add to that XXY chromosomes to chimera’s to Androgen insensitivity syndrome, and you can see, sometimes it’s just not black-and-white as far as male vs female. And while there may be people out there who are afraid of that thought because of their religious beliefs it is not too hard for God to figure out.
God isn’t scared when a person feels like they don’t fit into one gender role or has the wrong body compared to their chromosomes. In fact, Jesus said in heaven we will "be like the angels"... gender neutral. Wrap your mind around that! Gender doesn't have to define who you are at all. Wow!
Ok, back to my story. The end result... I am a happily married Christian to a wonderful husband. I am comfortable with who I am, and not interested in my identity any longer. Labels simply don't matter to me anymore. I check yes for a girl in some surveys and sometimes I check “I prefer not to share” but I no longer struggle over who I am or my body. I suppose 'non-binary' is the best label if I am forced to pick one. I honestly this is because of my strong connection to God who accepts me for who I am. This is how I can be LGBTQ+ friendly and a Christian, both as a person and as a counsellor. They are not in opposition to each other.2
Anyway I hope my story might touch someone to see themselves or others in a new way. I think we hear about identity struggles, those in turmoil about their bodies or gender or identity, and I wanted to share it doesn’t always have to be that way.
By the way I still love trucks, mud, and hate dolls.
From my heart,
2. More info for Christians and gender from a Christian Doctor, two very good videos on the subject:
Oh here's a footnote for PARENTS!
It is really important part to be comfortable with your kids as they are. My parents never made it a big issue that I was a tomboy, that’s what they called it back then. They didn’t try to talk me out of it, they didn’t look worried or concerned, it was just part of their kid, part of who I was, and they were OK with that. My parents concerns were more along the lines of was I kind, honest, doing my chores, learning at school, finding friends, enjoying church, and so on.