Stress is the NEW Smoking: 7 Secrets to Manage Stress

In my last article I talked about stress, anxiety, and hidden emotions. This week I'd like to explore the body/mind connection of stress and how to combat it in our lives. But before we do that, just a reminder, not all stress is bad.  Not everyone is stressed by the same stressors.  It is a complicated process which means we can't give definitive answers to many of the general questions like: why do we get stressed or how can we stop it.  What we can do is be aware of what is going on in our own minds and work toward mediating how that affects us.

Just in time for mental health awareness month, I've found there is more and more evidence linking stress to all manner of diseases. While there is a new catch phrase, "Sitting is the new smoking", I'd say stress is too.  Since smoking has been on the decline for almost a decade now, and people are hearing all about eating right and exercise, we've gotten complacent in dealing with harmful influences to our health that are more insidious than one might first think.  Not too mention harder to define and eliminate which makes them less researched.  One of the best books on the subject of how bad stress is for you, is by Dr. Gabor Mate, "When Your Body Says No."

Here is some of what we do know. (Salleh M. R. 2008) "Studies have shown that short-term stress boosted the immune system, but chronic stress has a significant effect on the immune system that ultimately manifest an illness...The morbidity and mortality due to stress-related illness is alarming. Emotional stress is a major contributing factor to the six leading causes of death in the United States: cancer, coronary heart disease, accidental injuries, respiratory disorders, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.

Since I could write pages on how stress affects our health but that would not give you any practical help, I'm going to skip all that and assume you believe me that stress is harming your health and instead jump to how to treat stress. Here are the 7 secrets to managing stress:

1. Prayer combined with trusting in God and awareness of oneself (or mindfulness meditation)
2. Exercise
3. Healthy diet (plant based or Mediterranean is best)
4. CBT Therapy (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
5. Rest (sleep, recreation, etc.)
6. Social activity (both social support & doing something for someone else)
7. Identify and limit/reduce stressors

So these are not in any kind of order of importance, in fact, I recommend you start with the ones easiest for you so you can reap the benefits as quickly as possible. Each of these has many benefits beyond stress management and there is much that can be said of them. Years ago, like a couple decades, LOL, I helped with a stop smoking program and these 7 were used successfully in helping people to quit smoking too! Of course number 7 was identify and limit/reduce temptations/triggers but all in all very similar. I do have a free course that covers most of these called Optimal Health, you can take it here.

The first one on the list is often reported as mindfulness mediation in most articles on stress but Dr. Nedley and others have reworded this for Christians. And the research backs up prayer as the alternative to mindfulness meditation. Keep in mind this is not the same as the hypnotic meditation one sees in new age religions.  It is an active form, where one is aware of what is going on around them.  There is plenty of help out there and it's not my forte so I'll leave that to other experts. I'm more familiar with the Christian version. This is more than just prayer. It is a three fold combination: faith/trust in God, self-examination, and prayer.

Exercise is pretty self-explanatory, but I'd add that getting outside is even better. Any amount will help, but there is a thing as too much which can add stress to the body. If you are unsure, do some research or talk to a fitness expert. In general, the recommendations are 30 to 60 minutes 3 to 5 times per week. More for those with sitting jobs and obviously far less if you are a general laborer. We often know what we need once we are willing to honestly look at it.
Healthy diet includes lots of fruit, veggies, whole grains, nuts, seeds, legumes, and limiting free fats, added sugars, and processed foods.

CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, is well researched and documented to help with stress even that caused by circumstances. It also helps deal with painful emotions. I would say this is by far THE MOST important tip, step, key, or whatever you want to call it.  In fact many studies show CBT to be as or even more effective than drugs for depression and anxiety, and far more long lasting because drugs don't cure, they treat the symptoms. Once you learn to use CBT for yourself it lasts a lifetime.  Now there are lots of resources out there and it can look pretty easy but there are some very important features that take real work to make practical for yourself, yet reading self help books such as Dr. David Burns, "Feeling Good", have been proven in research to be effective. In fact in one study more effective than taking drugs.  Having said that not everyone will find relief reading a book, about 1/3 still needed professional help to really apply the principles of CBT, so no shame in talking to someone about that.

Rest is another important key in reducing the effects of stress as well as helping you cope better with stressors.  Getting a good nights sleep, healthy recreation, and taking time to slow down even for just a few minutes a day are all great starting places.

Social activity not only helps you work through stressors like grief and loss, or life changing events, good or bad, but helping others is a proven way to improve your health. Volunteering has been shown to add up to 7 years to ones life and improve the overall quality of aging.

Lastly we have the most obvious of the 7 secrets, identify and reduce stressors.  This one will take some introspection and you can combine it with the first one, prayer.  Taking a few minutes each day to think about what caused you the most anxiety, worry, frustration, anger, fear, annoyance, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  You might even find some things bother you more on certain days.  Sometimes we can cope with circumstances better than other times.  Keep track.  Then are there some you can reduce? Are you spending more than you earn?  What is contributing to your time management issues?

If you want more help with CBT or working out identifying and reducing stressors, join me for a free 15 minute consultation

 

Sources:

• Salleh M. R. (2008). Life event, stress and illness. The Malaysian journal of medical sciences : MJMS, 15(4), 9–18.
• Griffin, R. M. (n.d.). 10 Stress-Related Health Problems That You Can Fix. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/features/10-fixable-stress-related-health-problems#1
• Agnvall, E. (2014, November 01). Stress and Disease - Conditions that May Be Caused by Chronic Stress. Retrieved from https://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-living/info-2014/stress-and-disease.html
• Kandola, A. (n.d.). Chronic stress: Symptoms, health effects, and how to manage it. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323324.php
• Nordqvist, C. (2017, November 28). Stress: Why does it happen and how can we manage it? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/145855.php
• Kandola, A. (n.d.). Why do I keep getting sick? Causes and what to do. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324842.php

Stress, Anxiety, and Hidden Emotions

There’s been some evidence that hidden emotions are linked to some to anxiety issues.  That when we bury, or repress, negative emotions that can lead to anxiety. And since none of us are immune I thought I’d share my own story which of course, is still a work in progress.

I tend to be able to cope with major life or stressful events fairly easily. I go into a task oriented mode and deal with the situation clinically. My faith feels strong and connected with God when it’s a major crisis event. However, when small things upset me in big ways I feel disconnected, alone, even incompetent. As I did some soul searching this past year, I discovered some of the reason I have this problem is a hidden “should statement” in my brain. “I shouldn’t feel this way.” There are different “reasons” for my believing this statement but usually something like: “I should be a bigger person”, “I know better”, “Jesus would just forgive them”, “I should forgive them, I forgiven far worse”, “It’s just a little thing, this is ridiculous it's upsetting me”, “A nice person wouldn’t be bothered by this”, “I should just let this go, it’s no big deal”, and so on. I don’t know if any of these kind of thoughts ring true for you, but they’re pretty common for those of us with anxiety.  The wording may vary from person to person but the theme is similar.

One little text from a friend or family member can set me into a major tailspin, while a car crash I’m able to work through without going through any major anxiety or panic attacks. Then I begin to question my own sanity. “I’m so stupid. Why is this one little thing bugging me? It’s not the end of the world.” But still I find myself stressed over that one little sentence. Other thoughts seep in. In the past family members have been upset with me over what I believe to be very little things. So upset, in once case I never heard from again even after writing a few letters. Like things creating big conflict. Things like forgetting to call before showing up at their home, not keeping in touch often enough (not that they ever kept in touch), posting a picture on social media, or even making a pie (long story). So because it’s happened before I’m thinking FOR sure this is going to happen again. In fact it will likely happen anytime there’s any conflict. 

This is my hidden emotion, or hidden thought if you will. Fear of abandonment because I might have said or done something wrong.  In my mind I wonder what’s wrong with me? I do my best but I still screw up. I put energy into being the best I can be but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough. 

Now I don’t know about you. but I can see a lot of distortion’s, exaggerations, or untruthful thinking, just in those few sentences/questions. But even though I know there’s distortions, and they’re not true, when I’m feeling anxious I believe them 100%.

Most of the time we can crush a thought without figuring out why it’s there in the first place. BUT with hidden emotions we do have to do some digging. While knowing why we have a particular thought doesn’t usually crush it, we end up in a loop of thoughts until we draw it out.  We work on surface negative thoughts but they repeat the next time a stressor comes our way. This is deeper work. Digging down into our hearts.  

One of the ways to search out a hidden emotion is to recognize patterns between certain kinds of stressors/events and certain thoughts.  Another way is to use the “downward arrow” a cognitive technique. And lastly an easy place to start is 'niceness' since, for about 75% of those with anxiety, the most common hidden emotion is niceness.  Now, I know ‘niceness’ isn’t really an emotion. It’s a self-defeating belief.  I’m supposed to be nice (because X) and therefore I can’t be upset, angry, hurt, etc. That’s the emotion part of it. The anger, hurt, etc.  I encourage you to listen to this podcast by Dr. Burns about anxiety and hidden emotions: https://feelinggood.com/2017/03/13/027-scared-stiff-the-hidden-emotion-model-part-5/

But in any case, whatever your hidden emotion/self-defeating belief, to crush the negative thought we may need to use several tools. We need to come up with a positive belief we can believe 100%. One of those techniques is acceptance. The crazy thing about accepting a negative belief is you can actually crush it by seeing the value and truth in it. That may sound really strange, but it actually helps you to positively reframe it. Let me give you an example. So one of my thoughts regarding my anxiety when a mistake is pointed out to me is: “It’s not fair. I try really hard to honour my friends/family’s wishes and when I screw up they shouldn’t be angry with me. I’m only human.” So let’s break that down. First of all, it hinges on the fact that nobody should get angry or upset with me, ever. Is that realistic? What am I asking of those around me if they should never get angry, or hurt, or upset ever? Is that fair of me to expect that of them? Note this line of thinking is doesn’t put more blame on me or them. It’s just to see the reality of the situation as it is. If I screw up and hurt someone they have a right to get upset, hurt, angry, or even just let me know (they might not be feeling any of those things, just pointing out something I did). There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make them a bad person or me a bad person, we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have feelings.  Getting angry isn’t the end of the world, nor does it necessarily mean the end of a friendship. I don’t need to withdraw just because I’m afraid of anger. I might not like it, I might feel uncomfortable about it, I might wish it never happened. Those are acceptable thoughts.

Now there are some truths in my negative thoughts listed above, for example I do try hard. Here’s one way to refrain this thought. I care a lot about my friendships in my family and so I try hard to be the best person I can be but sometimes I screw up and that hurts them. It’s OK for them to express this hurt however it affects them, whether that is anger or pain, and in it which ever way they want to communicate that to me. I don’t have to fix the problem in fact many times I can’t it’s something that can’t be undone.

Positive reframing is only one way to deal with a negative emotion and it works even better if you can dig deep and find the hidden emotions and self-defeating believes underlying this anxiety. Unfortunately positive reframing doesn’t work all the time and sometimes you need other tools where you can talk with someone else through them. I went through this with a negative thought about being a failure as a mother.  I did some of the CBT tools by myself which helped quite a bit. But I still had anxiety on and off until I did a short role-play technique with a peer. That 10 minutes cured months of anxiety and it’s been gone for a year now. Now we do get relapses, that’s guaranteed. But we know the tools to use to help squash those painful anxiety feelings by crushing the negative thoughts. We use the same ones that gave us the first victory. So if your dealing with anxiety, try the self-help books they are very powerful (especially “When Panic Attacks” by Dr. David Burns) and if you still need some support look for someone you can talk to who is willing to work with you using these tools. You can even find a friend who read the book as well, and practice together or look for a therapist near you. Let’s face it we are all defective human beings and it times we need a helping hand. How critical are you someone else who says they need help? I bet you’re more critical of yourself. So if it’s OK for some people to get help why not you?

If you’d like to work with me on an anxiety issue, book a free 15 minute consultation session here.

Faith and Therapy - Is There A Conflict?

Over the years I’ve learned I’m not alone. As unusual and unique my situation and my circumstances, even my thought process at times, when I’ve shared my story I found others who can resonate with the topic of conversation. So I know there are people out there who are wondering, how could I ever go to therapy if I’m a Christian or person of faith? Shouldn’t my faith and scripture be enough? Won't the therapist just try to make me feel better without me changing the way I’m supposed to?

Over the years, as I studied scripture, my faith has grown and strengthened in different ways. First, I’ve learned my God is so big, so amazing, and so loving, His grace truly is sufficient for me. That has brought an immense amount of comfort. But there is an opposing force. Satan, the father of lies, will use anything he can to cause suffering, including your religion. I'm borrowing that from Mike Christison, RCC, MACC, Here’s a link to the podcast "Spirituality and Psychotherapy: Contradictory or Complementary?" for more on this subject. 

There is no conflict between TEAM therapy, or the integrative approach that I use, and faith.  In fact, I found much support within the Bible for the concepts and methods we use.  Here's some of what I found, granted this is from a Christian perspective.  I am by no means trying to alienate other faiths, this is just what I am familiar with. The podcast listed above goes into more detail how those of any faith can benefit from TEAM therapy, and I assure you I would never push my faith in a therapy session EVER!

With that disclaimer, do we see in the Bible those who had issues with "negative" emotions? Of course. In fact, Jesus, our Lord, King, and example, struggled with complex, painful, and conflicting emotions. "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" So, do you take this Bible verse literally? Do you really believe God forsook Jesus? Or perhaps it just felt that way to Christ in that moment of crisis. If the creator of the universe (John 1:1-states Jesus was the creator) could feel so abandoned why are we so hard on ourselves for feeling badly!!!   Job, also had some really painful emotions and he was said to be "a righteous man" by God Himself! Job 15:11,12 “Is God’s comfort too little for you?  Is his gentle word not enough? What has taken away your reason?” 

Reason can go out the window in times of severe stress or emotional crisis, such as King David when we was so ashamed of his sin against Uriah and Bathsheba. 2 Samuel 12:18, “Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. ‘He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,’”  

That's one of the tools of TEAM therapy, we use reason to get us back on track.  This gives us a Biblical foundation for doing cognitive-style therapy (using reason & wisdom) and there is more:

• God commanded us to use reason. Isaiah 1:18, KJV. “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord:” TEAM uses reason at it’s core.  We are arguing with distorted, untruthful, or misapplied negative thoughts.  Reason is how we defeat those thoughts.
• Jesus, our example, used reason. Acts 17:17 ESV. “So he reasoned in the synagogue with the Jews and the devout persons, and in the marketplace every day with those who happened to be there.”
• Wisdom is open to reason. James 3:17, ESV. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.”  Wisdom from heaven is “open to reason.”  This verse also explores how to reason with heavenly wisdom. We can have this.  God’s wisdom is first pure, that is there is no fault in it – no distortions. Then peaceable, gentle, full of mercy, how we reason with others is done warmly with empathy.  It is impartial, no bias, and it is sincere, we must be genuine.
• Thoughts lead to emotions and actions/behaviours is the core of  cognitive therapy and TEAM-CBT. The Bible uses this principle. 1 Peter 1:13, ESV. “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Prepare your mind, the mind is the starting point.  Set your hope, you can choose your emotions and beliefs. Even for bad habits or things we think we can’t control this principle applies.  We start with our thoughts.  Job 31:1, NIV. “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” Making a covenant, purposing in ones heart, these are choices.
• God’s word can help us examine our thoughts. Hebrews 4:12, ESV. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
• We can’t trust all the thoughts and feelings that we have because of our sinful nature. Proverbs 28:26, ESV. “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” Mark 7:21-22, ESV. “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.” Note: the words heart and mind are used interchangeable in scripture.   In our culture heart means emotion, but that was not how it was used 1000’s of years ago.  Even still you could argue that still works, because when we control our thoughts we control our emotions. Romans 8:6, ESV. “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Philippians 2:5, ESV. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…”
• Feelings are not our guide, thoughts must be and they can be on better things. Proverbs 19:2, ESV. “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” Colossians 3:1-2, ESV. “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” We can change our minds and be a new person. Ephesians 4:23, ESV. “..be renewed in the spirit of your minds…” 1 Corinthians 2:16, ESV. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” 
• Working on a spiritual level is important. Colossians 3:2 ESV. “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” This verse also can be used as a promise that the thing of this earth don’t need to consume our minds. 

There are even Bible verses about negative thoughts that are in line with TEAM therapy (and other therapy models, including CBT, DBT, mindfulness, etc.):

•  Negative thoughts seem real. Proverbs 14:12 as well as Proverbs 16:25, ESV. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” This verse is almost word for word the same in both places. Bible writers would repeat things that were of extra importance, thus we can deduce God is really cautioning us about thinking we know what is right in absolute terms.  Being open to exploring what we believe is the only safe guard. We can be sure about what we believe about ourselves, others, or even how we understand the Bible, yet be wrong.  Reason, prayer, surrender, along with continued study are vital to know truth. 
• We can kill our own happiness by the negative thoughts that we believe.  Proverbs 15:26, ESV. “The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but gracious words are pure.” Since “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” we are not excluded from this verse. So, are you being gracious to yourself, having pure or truthful thoughts?
• Bible teaches us to dispute our negative thoughts. 1 Corinthians 3:18 ESV. “Let no one deceive himself...”  1 John 4:1, ESV. “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” We can be influence by the spirits/Angels around us, for good or bad.  We could also view this verse as talking about our own spirit and thoughts. Replace the word spirit with thought and this is how it reads, Beloved, do not believe every thought, but test the thoughts to see whether they are from God, for many false theories have gone out into the world.

We have permission from scripture to work on our belief system, in TEAM therapy we call it analyzing self-defeating beliefs (REBT and CBT therapists also work on self-defeating beliefs), and there is biblical evidence certain tools can be effective:

• Humility is critical. This verse could also be used to support acceptance. 1 Corinthians 3:18 ESV. “…If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise.”
• God has something better for us than our current self-defeating beliefs. Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Ephesians 5:17, ESV. “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
• Life isn’t fair, but God is. James 1:2, ESV. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds…” Trials and challenges shape us, and if we allow it, make us better people.  God can turn bad experiences into a positive outcomes for those that are willing to trust Him. Romans 8:28, NIV. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Notice, it doesn’t say all things are good, or all things work good.  There is a catch to this verse, all things work for the good of those who love him. Love trusts.
• Positive reframing and straightforward thinking are tools I use in my sessions with clients. The Bible supports we are to focus on positive thoughts. Philippians 4:8, ESV. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
• Examine the evidence, another tool in the TEAM and other therapy models. Testing thoughts to see if they are true. Romans 12:2, ESV.  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Acts 17:11, ESV. “… they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.”

That's just the tip of the iceberg so to speak.  There is support for us to work through some of the stuff that goes on in our heads. It's ok to get help and support, God understands.  In fact, I strongly believe God has given me the tools to do this job.  I felt called to become a therapist, so there must be people God has out there that need me to be a therapist. Just seems logical to me.

Here's a disclaimer that actually ties this all together, or I hope it does. A good therapist from any background is there to be a guide but they are on dangerous ethical ground if they work against your belief system vs your self-defeating beliefs or cognitive distortions (distorted thoughts). Most therapists try to honor their clients without imposing their own ideas. Now, I admit from experience this doesn't always happen, and research shows desire/effort doesn't always equal success. If you feel your therapist seems to be leading you in a direction not congruent with your belief system, OR if your therapist doesn't realize you feel in conflict, it is up to you to tell them how you feel. Also, not every counsellor is a good fit for every client.  I'm certainly not perfect, and I am not a good fit for every client either. It's ok to shop around! 

If you do want to give me a try, and you live in Canada, I'd love to talk with you. If you live in the USA, or elsewhere, I offer life coaching which can be quite effective for many life challenges too! Book a free 15 minute consultation, to learn more. 

How to be miserable, stay grumpy, and suffer more.

OK have I got your attention? Sometimes we need to look at a problem from a completely new look. The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but what IF we were to explore a course that taught us how to suffer more and be grumpy. What would that look like?

Amendment: So I’ve had some really positive comments on this article in another forum. But I also had a really important constructive criticism so I'm adding 3 key points to remember as you read it. 
1. This article is intended for the reader themself, not to be used as a tool to criticize other people for being critical. 
2. There’s something called logic fallacies. One of those is when the opposite of a fact is also a fact. This is often not the case in reality. Example; Fact: carnivores have canine teeth. But the reverse is not true. Thus having canine teeth does not make something a carnivore. For example gorillas and camels among others, have canines and they are herbivores.

3, Just because something is a risk factor does NOT make it a cause. Example: "Moderate alcohol consumption has been linked to an approximate 30-50% increased risk in breast cancer."* But the alcohol does not cause breast cancer. Nor is it valid or helpful to blame women with breast cancer for drinking a glass of wine at their meal.

4. Poor health and disruption in happiness is not our fault because we are not "positive" enough.  There is an unfair system (sin) at place in our world, where often the person who is hurting has to do work to alleviate their own suffering even though it may not be their fault they are hurting in the first place.  Life can suck, but it doesn't have to stay that way.

5. My humorous look, intentionally overgeneralized, at some tools for cognitive behaviour therapy are not to be taken as rooted in some kind of all or nothing factual science. In fact doing so is a distortion in and of itself. My intention in this article is to look at oneself from a different perspective using humour, because humour can often be quite therapeutic when doing self reflection. We can be pretty hard on ourselves and I was hoping to alleviate some of that pressure by getting you to laugh at some of the mistakes that you might be making. But in no way would I want to shame anyone who is struggling with a critical attitude or denial or any of those things, in fact others may think you are being critical when you are just being honest.  That is there misunderstanding not a reflection on your character. I myself have struggled with many of the items in the follow list. I think that’s why I found it so relevant to me personally and why found so much humour in it.

  

The first step in being miserable would be to be, stay in denial. Why? Well, if you’re denying it you don’t have to deal with it. Denial a way of enabling you to continue to feel miserable when the event is already passed. You can deny that it’s over and relish in your depressed, angry, frustrated state. Next step, hold it all in. Certainly don’t share what you’re thinking and feeling with anyone else. After all they can’t help you. They’ll probably just say what you’re going through isn’t even relevant. At the very least, they’re going to minimize it and try, or worse yet try to fix it for you.

If you can’t hold it in, then complain. Complaining is a great way to stay grumpy. After all you’re just telling people the truth. I mean isn’t honesty the best policy? In fact, I highly recommend journaling. List all the problems you’re having and how miserable each one makes you feel. That way whenever you get a little too positive or happy, you can go back and rehash old grudges.

Mope. Moping lets the body know the correct position to be in when you’re feeling terrible. There’s nothing worse than a hypocrite, like someone smiling when they’re miserable inside. So it’s much better to mope because you’re being honest with the world around you.

Notice honesty has come up a few times. Being right is the best way to keep your relationships on the rocks and protect you from being vulnerable. After all when your always right it’s really hard for other people to live up to your expectations and that can increase your suffering tremendously.

Blame yourself and others. A good place to start is blaming others, that’s usually easier than blaming yourself. Well it does depend on your personality, and either one works pretty good. Blaming others takes all the responsibility off your shoulders, and since you’re not responsible you can’t fix it. Blaming others takes the pressure off you from having to make yourself miserable because people often hurt us and do us wrong.  Remember since you are right, they must be wrong. That’s just logical.

Of course if you have a hard time blaming others, then you can always turn to blaming yourself. This is also quite effective because it acknowledges the fact that you’re an idiot, a failure, and since you are those things there’s no point in trying to fix anything.  It’s just who you are and this will just continue to go on forever.

Minimize the positive. Those happy thoughts thinkers with all their foo foo fluff just don’t know reality. If you minimize positive things that you or others do, it helps put everything more in context of reality. It certainly won’t last. Nothing good lasts forever.

Accentuate the negative. You could even exaggerate a little bit.  I mean come on, realistically who doesn’t get that when you’re feeling miserable and grumpy, exaggeration is probably more truthful than saying it exactly the way it is. Here’s and example, I’ve got such a headache feel like my heads going to explode. I mean it’s not really going to explode, but you’ve got articulate it well so people get how you’re feeling.

Trust your emotions. Oh this is a good one. Your emotions are really going to tell you how you should be feeling and thinking. Just go with your gut, go with your heart, that’ll really stop all your positive thinking. I mean if you feel miserable you must be miserable. If you’re feeling lonely you must be alone.  You can’t trust that someone sitting beside you is really going to be there for you. I mean obviously they’re not doing enough to make you feel part of the group. Oh I guess I’m combining blame here. Well that’s great to show you can combine several of these to make them far more effective in staying miserable.

Remember, if it’s ever happened once, somewhere, to someone, it can happen to you. That’s right if it’s possible it’s probable. There’s at least one person out there who got run over by a truck while sitting in their living room. You should worry about that every time you sit down to enjoy watching some TV. I mean sure, they’d have to drive on the sidewalk, across the lawn, and through the house wall, but it’s possible right? And I mean if we’re going to be positive, we need to be positive that the possible can happen. That leads me to the next one.

If it’s happened before it’s going to happen again. If you found a hair in your food three times in a row, then you can certainly conclude every time you eat out there will be a hair in it. This is a good one to combine with our last one “if it’s possible it’s probable”. After all if bacteria can be on hair, and you found hair in your food three times, you better watch out for flesh eating bacteria in your burger. This tip can add much anxiety to your miserable grumpiness which is a bonus.

Label everything. Now I don’t mean with stickers. Of course you could do that which would take up time and anything that waste your time helps to make you miserable because you’ve wasted time. But what I’m talking here is labelling people or yourself. You see when you label something it really encapsulates what it is at its core. I mean someone didn’t just spilled the milk they are a slob. You didn’t just fail the one test, you are an absolute failure. See how much worse that sounds, there’s great material here for feeling miserable.

I think those tips should really help you to suffer and stay miserable. But if this course really wasn’t right for you then might I suggest the reverse of these? I also recommend reading Dr. David Burn’s best selling book, “Feeling Good” or listen to his podcasts. But I warn you that won’t do much to help you feel grumpy.

OR Get our NEW e-book "The Truth Shall Set You Free" - click here!

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* McDonald, Jasmine A, et al. “Alcohol Intake and Breast Cancer Risk: Weighing the Overall Evidence.” Current Breast Cancer Reports, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Sept. 2013, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3832299/.

The Most Important Benefit of Gratitude

I missed posting last week because I was at the 4-Day TEAM CBT Intensive in Whistler with Dr. David Burns.  It was an amazing event, learn more about dealing with anxiety, depression, procrastination, and more at www.FeelingGood.com.  Anyway, I said we'd look at the benefits of gratitude so that's what this week is about.

There are all kinds of blogs, articles, and studies on gratitude.  An article in Forbes lists 7 Scientifically Proven benefits including: Building social relationships, improving physical health, mental wellness,  enhances empathy and reduces aggression, helps with better sleep, improves self-esteem, and lastly improves mental strength. https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#50d3eb92183c

Perhaps that last one is the most important benefit of gratitude, it improves mental strength, or one could say is a powerful coping skill. Don't get me wrong, we all want better relationships with those we love and who doesn't want to have great physical health. But, with our body systems so interconnected having the ability to cope with things life throws at us is one of the keys to not only happiness but also our health.

Counting my blessings has helped me cope with many stressors in my life from moderate irritations to full blown anxiety attacks.  While listing 10 things I'm grateful for didn't cure my intense anxiety, it did help me to calm down long enough to use the appropriate cognitive techniques (several listed in Dr. Burn's podcasts on itunes if you are interested).  When I have had IBS attacks, reciting things I am grateful for makes the time pass so much faster and it lessens the pain significantly.

What are some ways you use gratitude to cope? I'd love to hear from you.

One last thing I wanted to share, is something I am truly grateful for and that is.... drum roll.... people who are willing to agree to disagree.  Over the years, I've met some pretty mean people on the internet.  I'm sure in 'real life' they aren't as bad as online, but there is an awful lot of criticism out there. Whether you are trying to go plant based, just eat a few more veggies, or go all the way vegan it can be disheartening to have your mistakes plastered by others.  One blogger who is as kind hearted as she is determined to help save the planet and the critters on it is Tully Zander. She has some wonderful recipes that you will find absolutely delicious along with blog articles.  Check them out on her website: www.vegansfirst.com