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Like everyone, I have a bias. My bias comes from both my upbringing and the choices that I make now. I choose to be rational, thoughtful, deliberate. I firmly believe, based on the Bible, science, and my own experience, that our thoughts cause our emotions 99% of the time. There can be influence of drugs and alcohol, sleep, hormones, situations, or other factors that influence our thoughts, but primarily it is our underlying belief system that triggers negative thoughts which in turn drives our emotions.

Let me tell you how I came to this bias. I grew up on the outside looking in. There were some unusual things about my life that made me question the so-called stereotypes in the world. My mom is from white European dissent yet grew up in poverty.  She was picked on by her classmates and even her principal in high school told her she’d be better off on the street selling herself. She was dismissed, often called a liar, and ridiculed for her principles. My mom did not have it easy. She suffered abuse at the hands of friend and foe.

My dad, on the other hand, was a foster kid. There were no camping trips or birthday parties. They didn’t get toys for Christmas and had to work on the farm. But my dad felt connected to and loved by his foster father.  He has many happy stories of his childhood.  Yet my dad always speaks of enjoying his childhood. 

I’m realizing how unique my situation is. There are a lot of people who grow up in stereotypical environments. They grew up in an unloving foster care system, pushed around from parent to parent can’t never finding a loving supportive guide to help them through childhood. There are many many thousands upon thousands who are discriminated against because of their colour of their skin. There are those that grow up in and around gangs, and violence, and fear.

My heart truly aches for those who have these experiences. They are unjust, horrible, need to be changed. And I am a firm believer in making changes, improving the world around us. 

For me it’s so important to see the individual story and the ultimate truth combined. For these are never at odds. And we underestimate our own personal value system when we turn over our power to Believing our feelings are caused by our situation. Don’t get me wrong, our feelings can be a result of our circumstances and situation. I know it sounds like I’m splitting hairs but there is a very important difference.

Our circumstances and situations influence our thoughts based on our beliefs system and values. This is so important to recognize. Because what’s bothering us is not what’s wrong with us it was right with us. I’m stealing that from David Burns. Can you see if I have a high sense of justice and moral code of conduct then I will be angry when I see people hurting others. This is not a bad thing. And recognizing my thoughts about justice and high standards actually cause my feelings of anger does not make them less important or less real but rather more important and more real. Because I acknowledge their directly connected to my values.

Every day we have many thoughts and many feelings. These are influenced by our core beliefs. Our beliefs may or may not be correct and will  be influenced by our bias. And because of that our thoughts are not always positive influences on us. In cognitive behaviour therapy we call these negative thoughts. And these are thoughts that have distortion cause painful emotions, or emotions that linger too long, or emotions that are not appropriate possibly even hiding what’s really going on inside. 

BUT this is great news because we can change these thoughts by identifying the distortions!!!

However not all thoughts are distorted nor would we want to change all of our thoughts just because they lead to uncomfortable emotions. No, it’s important for me to never give up my anger toward an injustice in this world. I embrace my pain when I think about what my native family has had to face being separated from their tribes. I would not give that up for anything. I think that pain and anger actually helps me to be more grateful and more happy.

That’s my last point of how my bias influences my thinking. That we can have multiple emotions at the same time. In fact I would say this is the most way of being. I think this starts to become obvious to people as they age. We can be excited for someone getting married or having a baby and yet we are grieving the loss of a dear friend who has passed away that same day. I think media has corrupted her thinking process. We want nice cookie-cutter little boxes to put our feelings in. Life isn’t that way and when we try to manipulate our life to fit some thing we’ve read or something someone else has told us or something we’ve watched we miss out on all the beauty going on inside of us and around us. We don’t have to focus on only one thing for that one thing to be very important to us.

Anyways I wanted to share these biases openly and honestly because not everybody will have the same ones. And I want you to know that’s OK. Freedom of choice is the starting point for everything that we are. And so I do try to keep my biases at bay as a counsellor or life coach, but as an individual human being I actually embrace some of my biases they are part of who I am. While other in but biases I work hard to change and keep in check. Because I know not all biases are inherently true. Just like not all thoughts are undistorted. 

 What bias do you have that you’ve been fighting and are not willing to embrace? 

Identity Diversity & Acceptance, Don't get Boxed In!

It's been a long time coming, I'm nearing 50! My gender identity story. I’ve not shared it publicly before for fear of being misunderstood. But recently I've been encouraged by others to share it for the sake of others. In addition, I’ve been asked what does LGBTQ+ friendly mean? 

I can answer that last part first in couple sentences. It means I provide a safe space for anyone.  As a person of faith I believe God loves everyone and is working in their best interest. My role is to be a vessel for Him.  My personnel belief system doesn’t preclude me from being accepting of others. That said, I believe in the Bible and I have my own personal story about not fitting into a particular box. Life isn’t simple and neither are we. I have a burden to help people break free of boxes created by the world and various religions while staying true to their own healthy value system or morality!

So, with all that preamble, here's a short, partial version of my own identity journey. 

Generally speaking I have a poor recollection of my childhood, but there are some portions that really stand out. When I was about five or six I started to grasp the concept of boys and girls. As the realization set in, I became very upset that I was a girl. I remember crying and praying with every fibre of my being, "Why God did you make me a girl?" "I should have been a boy." I totally, 100% felt I had the wrong body. I didn't feel like a girl at all and I was upset and confused by it. It was a very painful and upsetting.  

Over the next few years, I continued to hate "being a girl", and from time to time had some negative thoughts about it, but for the most part I enjoyed my childhood. I made big truck box forts but never touched a doll. I cooked, sewed, and cleaned, all the chores any boy or girl should learn to do (certainly my husband and his two brothers learnt all these too!). I'd wear dresses my mom made but played barefoot in the mud. But my saving grace, I would spend hours in the woods, we had 5 wooded acres with water springs and beautiful flowers. I loved nature and it was so healing. I grew closer and closer to God through the Bible and nature, and thought less and less about my body or my gender. 

As I grew up, I found I could make friends with just about anyone; old or young, boy or girl, hell's angel bikers or church members. I knew how boys thought and fit in with them very well, rough and tumble, no problem. But I could get along with girls too. People were people. In my mind I didn't fit any box so why should I box up anyone else? 

As I went through puberty I trusted God to get me through the mixed emotions and He did. I knew no matter what life threw at me, even genetics, God could get me through. My faith kept me looking to Jesus rather than myself or my identity. I learned that, while life circumstances can be hard or painful, and my body may not be what I want, I could choose to enjoy life.  (By the way that's CBT in a nutshell, but I didn't know that!) As a teen I realized, maybe it wasn’t so bad that I was kind of half boy half girl. Maybe this was a blessing. 

I’m thankful I grew up processing my gender issues by myself. I’m really glad I didn’t live in a world that pushed people into boxes (because my parents protected me from that). I feel like as much as we're trying to be neutral or helpful, these days we are stressing out kids more with all the "education" on this topic. Kids don't need a science lesson to discover who they are. Give them a safe place to grow up and they will figure it out on their own. Key is a safe place, and that's pretty rare, but that's another story.

I want to pause here. There are all kinds of factors that can influence what gender is. There’s chromosomes, physical appearance, and stuff we don’t have a full understanding of. Did you know you can have the physical appearance of one gender yet the DNA of another? YES, it's possible and more common than you might think. In fact, 1 in 1000 babies are born intersex.1  Add to that XXY chromosomes to chimera’s to Androgen insensitivity syndrome, and you can see, sometimes it’s just not black-and-white as far as male vs female. And while there may be people out there who are afraid of that thought because of their religious beliefs it is not too hard for God to figure out. 

God isn’t scared when a person feels like they don’t fit into one gender role or has the wrong body compared to their chromosomes. In fact, Jesus said in heaven we will "be like the angels"... gender neutral. Wrap your mind around that! Gender doesn't have to define who you are at all. Wow! 

Ok, back to my story. The end result... I am a happily married Christian to a wonderful husband. I am comfortable with who I am, and not interested in my identity any longer. Labels simply don't matter to me anymore. I check yes for a girl in some surveys and sometimes I check “I prefer not to share” but I no longer struggle over who I am or my body. I suppose 'non-binary' is the best label if I am forced to pick one.  I honestly this is because of my strong connection to God who accepts me for who I am. This is how I can be LGBTQ+ friendly and a Christian, both as a person and as a counsellor. They are not in opposition to each other.2

Anyway I hope my story might touch someone to see themselves or others in a new way. I think we hear about identity struggles, those in turmoil about their bodies or gender or identity, and I wanted to share it doesn’t always have to be that way. 

By the way I still love trucks, mud, and hate dolls. 

From my heart,

Angie

1. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/news/20190503/study-about-1-in-1000-babies-born-intersex

2. More info for Christians and gender from a Christian Doctor, two very good videos on the subject:  

~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwz-qEqcl6c

~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dT41w3fZwTs&t=1s

Oh here's a footnote for PARENTS! 

It is really important part to be comfortable with your kids as they are. My parents never made it a big issue that I was a tomboy, that’s what they called it back then. They didn’t try to talk me out of it, they didn’t look worried or concerned, it was just part of their kid, part of who I was, and they were OK with that. My parents concerns were more along the lines of was I kind, honest, doing my chores, learning at school, finding friends, enjoying church, and so on.

Why is therapy so slow to change?

Let’s face it, if you’re going to spend eight years going to school you’re going to want to use what you learned. Even if the material is 30 years old or your schooling was 10 years ago. For some reason we understand that we’re constantly learning new things and technology and even in medicine. And yet we don’t seem to expect that of psychology. This is really erroneous thinking on our part. There’s new research being done on the brain, DNA, nature vs nurture, and various techniques used in psychotherapy.

One of the most researched techniques, cognitive behavior therapy, shows some real promise in areas of therapy we thought wasn’t possible to fix. There are certain mental illnesses that were thought incurable, as if they were some kind of brain deformity. Now we’re learning even if the brain has had issues, or there has been trauma, we can teach coping skills to provide a more fulfilling and rewarding life. But the industry itself is slow to change. You don’t have to go back very far when people just shut away those with a low IQ or mental illnesses that were treatable.

It grieves me to hear people talking about how long, or even impossible it is to recover from traumatic events or years of abuse. It does take effort, and it can be painful.  It does take time, even with brief therapy your brain doesn’t change instantly, but certainly there is hope for recovery. I don’t believe in some magical formula. What grieves me is the idea it is going to take years and years and there are only little changes, little advancements. I’ve not found to be the case in my experience. And I have colleagues who’ve found that’s not been their experience with their clients either.

So why aren’t all new therapists doing things differently? Many are. That’s the good news. Every week I meet new colleagues who are embracing a more effective way of doing therapy. There are more and more people going into the field who want to see their clients get better quickly. Who believe that there’s a lot of labels in the mental health industry that are not useful and possibly even wrong.

Unfortunately, not all therapists are trained the same. Unlike other professions where there is a very specific set of diagnostic and treatment tools, in psychotherapy and psychology there are many of theories, many ways to do “therapy” and much subjective debating. Even the DSM-V is under fire by some experts. The general public is not always aware of all this. First of all we can get in trouble with our associations if we say things that make others in our profession look bad. But it’s important we not hide from the facts. We need to embrace change and propel this industry into the future with success. Peoples lives are at stake. So I’m willing to take the risk because I think it’s unethical not to make a stand. Our profession needs to change. There needs to be more accountability. And regulations and associations are not cutting it. I get that that’s a starting place but without some kind of unifying documentation to show what works and what doesn’t we’re all sitting around a table arguing theory.

What does this mean to you as an individual? It means don’t give up. Don’t fall for the rhetoric you see on TV and don’t be afraid to try more than one therapist or counsellor if you’re not finding recovery and success. That being said your therapist can only provide so much without you investing in a willingness to change yourself. That leaves me to number three.

Of course I don’t have all the answers, nor am I the perfect therapist. I don’t even have a doctorate like many others in psychology.  I only know that without awareness we can’t move forward. We have to be able to analyze what’s going on right now. What’s working? What isn’t working? And the only way to do that is to have data. The only way to have data is to do testing. Many aren’t ready to go that route. They think it will interrupt therapy, cause a break in empathy. The evidence I have seen so far is the opposite. Testing actually brings us closer to the patient. (burns podcast) We can’t read minds.

No matter how skillful therapist is they can’t possibly know what a patient is actually thinking and feeling 100% of the time. If one thinks they know something they don’t improve. They think they’ve got it figured out. In school we are told if the client is not improving that’s transference and it’s some kind of psychological issue the client has. Or the client has some incurable mental issue. The reality is more likely if a client isn’t improving it’s likely the therapist who has the problem. Either they’re not creating enough empathy and therapeutic regard, or they’re jumping into methods too soon, or they’re using the wrong methods for that client, or they haven’t dealt with the clients resistance to change, or the pushing the client to change something the client is not willing to change.

Mental Health does have many subjective components so how do you collect data? What is happiness? How do you define that? What does the client mean when they say I feel desperate? In medicine it was thought pain was too subjective to measure. For years pain management was done by doctors analyzing the source of pain and use a calculated average based on nerve endings, function, non-verbal cues, etc. But we’ve learned that, while pain is subjective, it is relevant to the person who’s going through it. And now pain scales are used in hospitals all over the world on a regular basis to test patients and collect data to determine a course of action. Yes, observational tools are still also used but medicine did just throw up its hands and say, it’s too subjective to test and treat, so each doctor can just do whatever they feel is right.

This is totally doable in the Mental Health industry too. Dr Beck started it with his depression inventory in the late 70’s. There’s been some other surveys and assessments out there and there’s new ones coming out. They’re not always done with skill. Anyone can write a survey, but unless you understand how statistics work, you can create questions that skew the data. This leads to conflicting information and the conclusion we really can’t understand the brain so we have to go by instinct alone. But in my mind this is unacceptable. We can go over data, we can see where we’ve made mistakes, and we can continue to refine it and prove it. We can combine the art of therapy with a more trained, objective process.

Let’s continue to explore and learn. We don’t want to get stuck in the dark ages when it comes to mental health. Let’s embrace analyzing what works and what doesn’t. We don’t have to be tricked into thinking it’s not possible. We really can put a number on it and find healing.

Why is TV therapy stuck in the dark ages?

And not just TV, but the general public’s beliefs about therapy as seen in various media. By dark ages, I mean the earliest ideas, such as those by Freud and others in that era. There is some knowledge that is still relevant but come on, why are we using techniques in TV for mental health that are over 75 years old?

One of the things we see in the media is ONLY the most severe cases get therapy.  This is very frustrating to me! Like you’ve got to have it really bad before you should go get help. Honestly that’s ridiculous. You might have just one minor nit picky feeling of shame that you want to deal with that’s totally OK to get help for. You don’t need to be traumatized to see a counselor.  Another thing shown in TV land that is from ages past is you have to see a therapist for years and years to recover. Especially if it’s OCD, PTSD, or major depression.  But research shows brief, solution-focus and/or CBT, therapy is far more effective than the old ‘couch’ approach. And lastly, some of the tools used in TV therapy make for great scripts but are not very effective in real life. Spending session after session talking about your mother won’t cure your fear of heights!

It really bugs me because we don’t see actors using bloodletting on modern medicine shows, yet we keep showing therapy from the 1950's, with the couch and never-ending weekly sessions. Why is that? Well I’ve got a few ideas.

First of all, confidentiality. Many don’t want others to know some of the stuff they’ve had to face. And even if they are thrilled with the results of recovery, it is completely unethical for us to use any testimonials.  So the mental health industry looks silent and closed off. While we see ratings and reviews for all other services, counsellors and therapists avoid this (even anonymous ones) because we’ve been programmed to thing that is unethical.  So, the real stories and rates of recovery are hidden from view.

Secondly, quick full recovery is not as common as it could be and hit and miss from practitioner to practitioner. Therapists are not all trained the same, they are left to ‘be congruent’ with themselves and do what comes ‘naturally’. Unlike other trades or professions where there is a very specific set of diagnostic and treatment tools, in psychotherapy and psychology there is all kinds of conflicting theories, many ways to do ‘therapy’ and much subjective debating. More on this next article.

Third reason we don’t see lots of recovery stories or effective therapy on TV or in the media is most people like the status quo. Believe it or not most of us don’t want to change. Actually, there’s lots of reasons to not change, some of them actually quite positive. But in any case, we want to believe we can’t change because then it gives us complete 100% permission to just stay the way we are. Even those with severe depression or crippling anxiety. Maybe It’s become part of who they are and they’re afraid that somehow if they let go, they will lose a part of themselves. Maybe we feel it’s unfair we have to change when we are the victims. Which is totally true! It’s not fair. In fact, I’ve gotten flak for posting articles on how to improve your life because some feel that’s victim blaming. It would be wonderful if all the perpetrators of hurtful things had to take on the responsibility to change. But unfortunately, the way we are designed, it doesn’t work for someone else to fix us even if they are responsible for the hurt.  

Fourth reason, we don’t want people to feel bad if they don’t recover. If there are shows on TV where someone can go to therapy and recover from the PTSD in a few sessions, people will feel everyone should recover quickly and that would lead clients to be disappointed if they didn’t.  

Fifth. The writers don’t know better. Yep, full recovery with brief therapy is still pretty new. And there’s a lot if old shows and reruns out there. Plus new ones created from novels written decades ago. Just like it took Hollywood quite some time to get leading female roles on major motion pictures I think it’s going to take time for Hollywood to catch up with modern therapy.

Lastly, there are still plenty of therapists practicing old school therapy like you see on TV.

Don’t let what you see on TV discourage you!!!  You can get successful results for minor or major issues with a good therapist. Many counsellors offer free consultations and you can talk to them about what to expect. We can’t give you a timeline or guarantee but you can find healing for most issues if you are willing to put in the work to change and ready to face your inner demons.  It’s not always easy but it’s totally worth it!

Can People Really Change?

I'm not going to hold you in suspense! Yes & No! No, there are somethings we can't change and Yes there are many things we can! I’ve witnessed it over and over. One of my biggest pet peeves while watching TV, especially dramas based off of best-selling books, is this idea that people can’t change. That people are just who we are and that’s all there is. That we really don’t have much choice, we are just let about by DNA and circumstances. Bad people are bad and good people are good is a common thread throughout much of television.

 Here’s the thing, we see evidence of the opposite is true, we see people changing every day! Of course, we can also find examples of people staying the same as well, and I don’t have a problem with that. My issue is the “it’s impossible for people to change” concept.  Remember I said this is a Yes & No answer? There is personality, you know your favourite colour, whether not you like cats and dogs or prefer a fur free zone, whether we are task oriented or motivated by relationships, if you are generally serious or silly, if you like your schedule structured or spontaneous or both. These kind of personality traits are more fixed and there’s some evidence that those kind of things do stem from our DNA and upbringing.

What I am talking about is can we be free from certain things that plague us that people often lump into the 'personality' thing. For example anxiety or phobias, or if we are impatience or get angry a lot.  Most people are not born with phobias or anger management problems (I know some kids have more temper tantrums and we can be more PRONE to anxiety or anger issues by DNA and circumstances). Sometimes trauma can trigger a phobia as well. That doesn’t mean you have to live with it's effects forever. Also, there are things we are born with, predisposition if you will, that we can still change in terms of choice and behaviour.  For example, you might be a natural introvert but you don't have to have social anxiety. You can be an introvert and not be anxious around crowds, chatting with a small group, or presenting in front of people. 

Why this is so frustrating is because there are many who could have freedom, but they don’t know it. They are told it’s just the way it is. you’re going to have to go through years of therapy to deal with your trauma and maybe you’ll be able to cope with your phobia but really we can't change. But there’s evidence that this is not true. Not only in my own experience, but I hear from colleagues and clients too. Stories those recovering from phobias very quickly, sometimes within a few sessions, while for others it takes a few months, yet they gain recovery in the end.

I think we’re so used to hearing the stories that someone has been/done X their whole life. They never changed. We all know people who "have been like that their whole lives." We don’t think to question it. But, if you look and listen you will hear many stories about growth and change. People who go from being lazy to productive, angry to calm, unhappy to finding joy, or like in my case full of anxiety to peace.  This isn't to say one never experiences it again. It's the bent of the character, the daily experiences that change.  We will have off days, set backs, relapses but what is the majority of your experience? 

Let's meet Joyce (name and circumstances changed to protect identity, she has passed away now).  Joyce grew up in a poor family in small rural town. She had very few friends and suffered emotional and physical abuse as a child.  Times were tough growing up and she remembers nights with little or no food.  In high school she was told by a teacher since she was beautiful she should just try the street to earn a living.  Her mother had a severe mental illness and her parents divorced when she was young.  She found herself in a constant battle between trying to be independent and looking for approval from others.  She clung to money since she had little growing up. Perfectionism plagued her to the point of attempting suicide.  But she found she had a choice.  She had been a Christian, but it took her some time to realize she didn't experience the peace it offered because she held onto her past, her self-defeating beliefs of perfectionism and to feel valued she needed approval of others. She didn't get therapy or find enlightenment in a single moment, but she did change and find that peace.  She became one of the most generous people I know.  While still stingy with herself, she would give and give to others. Time, money, or things, didn't matter she loved sharing. She had a spark of joy.  Of course, like the rest of us she had bad days and relapses. Times where she started to worry about what others thoughts, but these would pass. Like us she had victory in some areas of her life and needed growth in others. Had Joyce be able to use the TEAM-CBT tools I am 100% confident she would have turned the corner far more rapidly and been able to conquer some more of the things she wanted to change in herself.  But whether change takes you sometime or happens quickly over a few weeks or months, it is possible, just like with Joyce.

I would be amiss if I didn't talk about spirituality and God. I realize this is getting to a taboo subject even with an emphasis on freedom and acceptance. But it would be unethical of me to share the single most powerful way to experience change, following a healthy spiritual journey.  I believe God is involved in your life right now whether you believe in Him or not. We are told all good things come from God and that includes recovery from painful emotions and traumatic events. This was Joyce's experience. And how much more powerful can we get if we add the effective mental health tools, like CBT, with spirituality. Amazing results!!!

It’s sad the recovery stories are seldom talked about in the media. Why is that? Tune into my next post for the answer. BUT for right NOW if you want to move forward and there’s something holding you back I encourage you to book a free consultation here.

Is Online Therapy As Good As In Person?

Let’s face it we live in the digital age. From cyber social structure to buying groceries, the Internet has become the go to place, not only for information and advice, but also for services and products. I admit I love technology. I’ve always loved cameras, gadgets, and yes, the Internet! But I also love an old school, off grid experience. No power, no problem.  I’m not sure why I love these two extremes but I do and I also love both traditional in person therapy as well as online therapy. Both have their place in our ever busier, stressed out lives.

The reality is, online therapy can be face to face when using a video platform, this is my approach. Sure, there is a screen in front of you, but you still experience facial expressions and other non-verbal communication not available with phone or text which are also other forms of teletherapy.  So, it’s important to see what is being used when choosing an online therapist to find the right fit for you.

Let’s look at some research that’s been done on online therapy versus traditional therapy and see what site says about the effectiveness. “There was support for the application of psychotherapeutic interventions through the Internet; online therapy was especially effective for treating anxiety and stress-effects that lasted after therapy ended and on average was as effective as face-to-face intervention.” ¹  Online therapy is especially effective when using CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), one of the main tools I use with my clients in both life coaching and counselling.2 

Some of the pros to online work are pretty obvious:

• Availability. The client is able to get therapy without going anywhere. This has a whole host of benefits within itself. For example the client may be mobile limited and housebound. The client may live in a small town where there are no therapist. The client may have difficulty arranging their schedule to see a therapist due to work hours. Also because there’s more flexibility in scheduling on behalf of the practitioner this makes them more available to clients. For example a therapist could Offer sessions for two hours on the weekend without having to go into work open up the office and so on.
• Confidentiality. The client doesn’t run the risk of someone they know seeing them walk in to the therapist office. This is especially beneficial for professionals or those who live in smaller towns.
• Comforts of home. One online therapist reported their clients actually felt more comfortable in sharing vulnerable issues and disclosing how they feel because they’re in a familiar setting there at home³. They feel like they can relax and really share what’s on their mind.
• Flexibility & Convenience. As already mentioned with the client not having to go anywhere this makes it very convenient for clients to book an appointment and to attend a therapy session. Whether they are a mother with small children or they work long hours this convenience provides an opportunity for those who might not otherwise be able to get therapy.
• Opportunity & Specificity. Clients can find a more specific therapist to meet their needs and this provides them with more effective tools. For example not only can they find a therapist Who understands depression but also is of the same faith or similar faith. Both therapist and client can be far more specific in choosing who they work with and in line with the clients needs. Clients Are not limited to just the few therapists in their area but can search for wider for therapist not only skilled in their particular issue, But also works with the tools the client might already be interested in. For example I had clients come to me because they wanted a Christian therapist who is well-versed in cognitive behaviour therapy for relationship issues. That’s pretty specific.

So while this is a benefit I am leaving it off the bullet points because it’s not exclusive to online therapy. Nor will all online therapists be testing their clients and thus you may not know their effectiveness. But competition combined with ratings and reviews, lead to greater effectiveness. Often ratings are more available for online therapists. Because there’s more competition online therapists are learning they’ve got to be more effective. In fact there are companies working on platforms to rate therapists based on client progress reports. This maybe a ways off in becoming the norm, I do believe it will eventually be a standard of care. Well many studies report traditional therapy is about 50% effective, those doing testing with their clients using some firm of progress report are generally far more effective than 50% since they can address failures in therapeutic alliance and see what methods are and aren’t working. I have colleagues that even offer a money back guarantee because they’ve yet to have a client who’s not improved. This is not to say good therapy can cure all mental illness, but rather there should be a significant improvement in symptoms or the client should be informed the therapist does not have the skills to help them so they can find someone who can.

What about the limitations of online therapy. What are some pretty obvious ones first of all you have to have good Internet connection. And even with a good Internet connection there still technology glitches with computers freezing, Internet hiccups, software issues, and other hardware mishaps. Clients who are not well-versed in technology may find it frustrating at first to have to figure out their camera and their microphone as well as complete online tasks such as filling in reports and surveys. Additionally, just as in gave to face therapy there are some legal issues that need to be considered based on location of the therapist and the client. Another con is confidentiality problems if the clients email is not private. Because a lot of people have their computers and phones easy to access by the family members it is possible for there to be a breach of confidentiality at the clients end and the therapist has no control over that. Many online therapist refused to use email for that reason and do everything through secure platforms. Other therapists like myself warn the client about this potential invasion of privacy and encourage our clients to use a private email for all correspondence and scheduling. And lastly online therapy would be inappropriate for suicidal clients or those requiring physical intervention such as major addictions, those experiencing ongoing psychosis, or severe eating disorders. These need an appropriate treatment facility.

So of course I am writing this from a biased perspective being that I’m an online therapist. I really do find it to be easy to use with my clients. And since I’ve been the tech-support in my home for many years I don’t mind guiding clients in using the technology either. So for me it’s been a great opportunity to provide services to those who live near or far. If you want to give online therapy a try I do offer a free 15 minute consultation book yours below:

Sources:

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0026877/

2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25273302
3. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/confessions-of-virtual-therapist-pros-cons-of-online-therapy-0719174

Herd Mentality: When you don’t need evidence to back up your claims.

It’s out there. What out there? Every thing! If you have a question someone has an answer. Whether it’s forums or blogs or online magazines or social media. People have always been opinionated but with the Internet it was the dawn of mass support for an idea and the right to express an opinion, how ever you feel like, whether or not there’s enough evidence to back it up. Freedom of speech we say, yet at what point is it ‘bearing false witness’?  Just because you see something on the Internet with 40 doctors backing it up or thousands of people agreeing on social media, it doesn’t make it true. The scary thing is something might only have a limited presence online, with a minority agreeing with it, and it truly is a saving grace. A pivotal key component of people’s happiness or health gets lost in the shuffle of nonsense and noise.

Because there are billions of people online, 3.2 billion in fact as of April of this year¹, you can find support for just about anything. Flat earth - Yep, Coffee is good - of course, coffee is bad - for sure, Low-carb diets good, plant-based diets good (which are mostly carbs by the way). After awhile it gets so confusing that the easiest thing to do is just pick one that sounds good to you or seems right. How do you think superstitions began? A few ladies sitting around the stew pot over the open fire start chatting. One says, “You know a black cat crossed my path the other day and then my husband got bit by a goat.” Another lady pipes up, “Weird a couple months ago a black cat crossed my path and I couldn’t find my sewing needle for three weeks.” I don’t know how black cat crossing your path became bad luck started but this is how a lot of concepts get going. It’s called anecdotal evidence. There are two things that happen with enough frequency it looks like there’s a correlation.

The problem with that is we tend to pick things that agree with us if we are not using critical thinking and we aren’t in the mood to change. We like things that don’t rub us the wrong way or that seem better. Maybe easier and more to our liking. Or sometimes the opposite is true, if you love conflict you’ll pick the most controversial idea. Or, if being unique is at your core essence, you might pick something that is most obscure. But no matter how many people all post they agree it and share it, it doesn’t make it right. It might be partially true in certain circumstances but not to the extend we see it blown out of proportion in the media.  Case in point: keto diet, low carb, has had some limited success in helping small children with severe epilepsy but plant based diets (not always vegan or exclusive) are well documented to ward off most lifestyle diseases like cardiovascular disease, diabetes, even cancer, and it is the most common for longevity and vitality in later years. So, yes, there are some positive things about a low carb diet and it may even have a place in the treatment of some disorders but that doesn’t make it the best diet for everyone.

Balance and context are absolutely critical for finding what’s right for our needs in this moment. What’s good for one person might not be good for another. What’s good for you and one circumstance might not be the best choice now. There are teens who game for hours every day that would love to hear research on how video games help with math. But they neglect articles on being sedentary for so many hours a day is harmful for other aspects of their intellect and physical health. A professional athlete might read an article on pushing yourself through the pain. They want to win that metal and are willing to do what they have to get there. Never mind the research on pushing through the pain was in terms of someone who’s had an injury and needed physiotherapy. And how much pushing must be guided to prevent further injury.

Context is very important. I once wrote an article in a tongue-in-cheek sarcastic tone designed for people to use for introspection. However if you read that article with the mindset that this applied to everyone it sounded mean and/or if you aren’t prone to sarcasm. That certainly wasn’t my intention to be mean or make sweeping statements about the human condition.  There are a lot a little one liners on Facebook that really fall into this category. The little one liners like “Just say no” “Peace comes from within” “Be yourself” can sound awesome and inspiring or shallow and meaningless depending on what state of mind you are currently in and what your life circumstances are.

I did a article years ago on how to do the right kind of research to decipher truth so I’m not going to talk about how to do proper scientific research here. Here we are talking about mindset. Your mindset when you’re looking at information. And how to recognize the cues in yourself because you to believe something that may not be in your best interest. I already mentioned a few. Did you catch some of them? Herd mentality, appealing to the senses like tugging at your heart strings or fear tactics, and using your current goals, likes, and dislikes to sway you.

If something appeals to you because it seems easy or fun or it allows you to continue to do something inherently that’s probably the biggest red flag. We want to hear chocolate or coffee is good for you. Or you should rest when something is sore and achy. Most of us would love to just take that at face value, depending on our state of mind or circumstances. Where this hit home for me was in terms of exercise. I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, an autoimmune disorder. There actually very few experts in the field of fibromyalgia because for a long time it was viewed with skepticism. So those of us with the disorder often rely on each other for information along with our general practitioner and rheumatologist. Almost all those with fibromyalgia will tell you doing too much makes them exhausted and in pain. So, we love to hear go slow, take it easy, rest as soon as it starts to hurt. The only trouble is it almost always does and inactivity is the worst thing you can do for fibromyalgia. Really inactivity is the worst thing you can do for your health for anyone. Yes, there are certain injuries requiring rest but the body also needs some motion for circulation the corner stone of health.

Obviously there has to be a balance based on the needs of the individual person. We don’t like to push ourselves for several reasons maybe it’s too much effort, we don’t have the time, we are avoiding pain, we want to do something else, and the list goes on. The interesting thing is when I push myself, I mean really push myself, the pain does go up a little bit but my enjoyment in life goes up exponentially! So is avoiding pain and not doing the things I love worth it? When I do that, not only am I not getting to do the things I love, but it’s slowly making me worse because the body atrophies very quickly. And truth be told the pain eventually gets less the more activity I do, if I am consistent and alternative what muscles are being worked.

So how do you pick whether or not to believe something without doing a ton of research? How do you know what the truth is?

Step one, be willing to see the truth. Really? What does that have anything to do with if something is right or wrong.  Nothing of course!  Your mindset doesn’t change whether or not a diet is good for you. BUT it does change how you view the information!  Perspective is an integral part of knowledge.  Know how you think and process information. It’s quite amazing how obvious truth becomes when we just follow a few simple steps. I’ve already mentioned the first one you have to be willing to see the truth. You have to be willing to take a look at yourself and make changes. Once you’re willing to honestly look for what’s right for you, the answers become more clear and easier to decipher.

Step two. Get to know yourself better. Are you a skeptic or accepting, are you easily swayed by emotions, how easy is it for you to stand against the crowd?  Sometimes our gut is right, depending on your personality and if you really do want to know the truth. But for others who are easily swayed because their initial gut reaction is to accept what they hear. We call it gullibility (a real gene in the DNA²) but that’s sounds negative so I prefer accepting and the Big Five personality traits adds this as a factor to agreeableness. So it’s clear gullibility/accepting is not a negative character trait. It’s just a predisposition like any other. Accepting people are open to ideas and often friendly and less cynical. Ok, back to our mindset and truth. If you know you’re more accepting/agreeable then maybe your gut instinct isn’t a good first choice or only choice but you can still listen to it. Sometimes that first instinct says I’m not so sure about this, but we actually talk ourselves into it because some part of us wants to believe it. Or we might be predisposed to believing herd mentality (especially if we have low confidence), “Look how many people are saying this is good.” That many can’t be wrong.

Thus step 3 is be slow to accept new ideas but not impervious to them. There’s a good balance between being wishy-washy believing anything that comes around the corner, and immovable no matter how much evidence is presented. This is similar to the first step being willing to be wrong. So be willing to give up a preciously long held idea and open to new ones but require solid evidence.

I want to digress a bit back to herd mentality. It’s not about how many people agree with an idea but who those people are and if they are experts in that field. You might have five doctors all agree that this particular diet is wonderful. You might also have some really close friends that are smart and dear to you that also believe in that same diet. But to really know if the diet is healthy you need to check out what do registered dietitians think about it. Clinical dietitians are far more well-versed in diet the doctors. I know that sounds strange but doctors get very little training in nutrition while dietitians do years of study just in food, how it affects the body and what foods have what nutrients. So it’s not about how much you like the expert or how well they explain something but is this expert truly an expert in his field or her field. Logic isn’t always right, but I talk all bout that in my article on proper research.

And I want to qualify that a true expert is someone who not only is trained generally in that field, but has studied the particular aspect you are looking at. For example I’m a nutritionist but I’m not an expert in blue zone diet’s. I have not sat down and research them in particular for years as much as Dr. Colin Campbell. That’s not to say I don’t know enough to share information but I would not call myself an expert. I think this is where we get lost. Lots of people can talk really well, they are logical, and make sense. How are we to know if they’re actually an expert? Simply look at their biographies. I would generally trust one specialized expert in the field over 100 professionals in that same field. Another words you might have thousands of fitness trainers all with degrees and general experience, all claiming a new exercise routine is the best thing since sliced bread. Physiologists also get on board, and general practitioners start promoting it to their patients. The world gets excited and it’s in magazines and all over the internet. But a researcher comes up who is been studying this particular exercise for 10 years and they say it could possibly hurt your knees. I’m going to go with that one expert because they’ve taken the time to really look at all the critical details that are missed by the others, often because the media fails to report those tiny but vital pieces of the puzzle.

It’s easy to buy into the pack mentality. That the majority is right. But history has repeatedly shown the majority is often not right. You need to be an individual and while there’s a wisdom in a crowd for certain things in life we also have to stand on her own 2 feet when it comes to making decisions for ourselves.

Sources:

1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_Internet_usage

2 https://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=99160094

Removing Truth from Error.

Imagine you just spend 2 hours in an alpine meadow on your knees picking wild strawberries. You finally have 4 cups of tiny power packed morsels of goodness. If you’ve never eaten a wild strawberry, image five of the very best strawberries you’ve ever eaten packed into the size of a very small grape.  Amazing, right? So, you can’t wait to mix them up with a little whip cream and top a freshly baked shortcake. You hike down the mountain and drive home. 

Finally after that day’s journey you arrive at home. Joy and a feeling of accomplishment washing over you. As you walk toward the house you are so happy, you are almost ready to bite into these gems.  Your mouth is already watering as you smell the sweet red jewels. But as you almost read the house you trip, wobbling you try to regain your balance but alas, you drop the basket spilling it's delicate cargo all over the gravel driveway. Your heart sinks and joy fades as you watch the precious fruit roll in all directions. You scoop up as many as you can find, but now, stuck to the tiny fruit are bits of gravel. So, now what do you do? Do you take the fruit in and wash it or do you just throw it out frustrated and disgusted it's been tainted? I don’t know about you, but I would wash it! I'm not going to give up on those little beauties I worked so hard for. Really, I reason, it’s only a little more work to clean them with the gravel than without. True, the strainer doesn’t get rid of the larger pieces of rocks, those you have to individually pull out. But it’s worth it right? Why would you give up on something you’ve worked so hard to obtain?

Yet, in spiritual, philosophical, emotional, or other matters we can be in danger of throwing out the fruit when we find a bit of gravel in it.  We see error and fear grips us. Most of us have been programmed, hard wired, to desire truth over error. Disclaimer, just because we believe we are right or know something to be true doesn't make it so. But we rarely think we are wrong and are ok with that. There is something about being right that drives us. So when falsehood raises its ugly head we are quick, especially Bible believing Christians, to see it and stomp on it. 

But what would happen to our little berries if we stomped on them? Would that get rid of the gravel? Well, you certainly wouldn’t have to worry about the gravel that's for sure. It's one way to deal with it. But you won't be able to eat the fruit after that. It just becomes a mess once they are mixed through and through. But you miss the blessing when that happens. The fruit is ruined. But if instead you wash the fruit, you get rid of the gravel, or error, while keeping the fruit, or in our analogy truth.  Our desire to crush lies can actually hurt the truth!  Wow, not something we think about very often is it?

Wait! Am I saying we should be ok with a little error when it comes attached to some precious fruit? No, not at all. Remember in the analogy, we need to wash the fruit for it to be safe to eat, otherwise we can chip a tooth if we were to eat the berries with even one piece of gravel on it.  Just one tiny rock can ruin the experience.  That's symbolic! 

So what does this mean practically? When you listen to a sermon or read a self help book will it always be 100% true? Do you then cloister yourself from all human influences? God is working to save all humanity would you agree? Does that include Christians? Other religions? Atheists? Of course.  One of my career mentors uses little proverbs from the Bible, and sometimes Buddha, and all of them fit in line with my understanding of scripture. Do I throw out a truth which can be support by the Bible because Buddha said it? What if Mohammad said it?  Just because I come from one belief system doesn't mean there is ONLY truth in that ONE system and that EVERYTHING else is false.  I’ve seen people so fearful of error they throw out important truths, like throwing out the strawberries with gravel stuck to them.  

The good news is it’s very easy to separate truth from error, just like washing dirty fruit. We simply look for, and embrace the truth. It’s not that hard or complicated. There maybe some deep and more profound truths in symbols and metaphors hidden in scripture but that’s part of washing preconceived ideas from our own minds. None of us know everything perfectly.  We all make mistakes, have biases and hidden assumptions buried in our minds.  The more we embrace truth the quicker we will see errors, but it's all contingent on us being willing to accept that truth when we see it.  

So, be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  (An old German proverb dating back to Medieval times with truth relevant for all cultures today.)

Stress is the NEW Smoking: 7 Secrets to Manage Stress

In my last article I talked about stress, anxiety, and hidden emotions. This week I'd like to explore the body/mind connection of stress and how to combat it in our lives. But before we do that, just a reminder, not all stress is bad.  Not everyone is stressed by the same stressors.  It is a complicated process which means we can't give definitive answers to many of the general questions like: why do we get stressed or how can we stop it.  What we can do is be aware of what is going on in our own minds and work toward mediating how that affects us.

Just in time for mental health awareness month, I've found there is more and more evidence linking stress to all manner of diseases. While there is a new catch phrase, "Sitting is the new smoking", I'd say stress is too.  Since smoking has been on the decline for almost a decade now, and people are hearing all about eating right and exercise, we've gotten complacent in dealing with harmful influences to our health that are more insidious than one might first think.  Not too mention harder to define and eliminate which makes them less researched.  One of the best books on the subject of how bad stress is for you, is by Dr. Gabor Mate, "When Your Body Says No."

Here is some of what we do know. (Salleh M. R. 2008) "Studies have shown that short-term stress boosted the immune system, but chronic stress has a significant effect on the immune system that ultimately manifest an illness...The morbidity and mortality due to stress-related illness is alarming. Emotional stress is a major contributing factor to the six leading causes of death in the United States: cancer, coronary heart disease, accidental injuries, respiratory disorders, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.

Since I could write pages on how stress affects our health but that would not give you any practical help, I'm going to skip all that and assume you believe me that stress is harming your health and instead jump to how to treat stress. Here are the 7 secrets to managing stress:

1. Prayer combined with trusting in God and awareness of oneself (or mindfulness meditation)
2. Exercise
3. Healthy diet (plant based or Mediterranean is best)
4. CBT Therapy (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
5. Rest (sleep, recreation, etc.)
6. Social activity (both social support & doing something for someone else)
7. Identify and limit/reduce stressors

So these are not in any kind of order of importance, in fact, I recommend you start with the ones easiest for you so you can reap the benefits as quickly as possible. Each of these has many benefits beyond stress management and there is much that can be said of them. Years ago, like a couple decades, LOL, I helped with a stop smoking program and these 7 were used successfully in helping people to quit smoking too! Of course number 7 was identify and limit/reduce temptations/triggers but all in all very similar. I do have a free course that covers most of these called Optimal Health, you can take it here.

The first one on the list is often reported as mindfulness mediation in most articles on stress but Dr. Nedley and others have reworded this for Christians. And the research backs up prayer as the alternative to mindfulness meditation. Keep in mind this is not the same as the hypnotic meditation one sees in new age religions.  It is an active form, where one is aware of what is going on around them.  There is plenty of help out there and it's not my forte so I'll leave that to other experts. I'm more familiar with the Christian version. This is more than just prayer. It is a three fold combination: faith/trust in God, self-examination, and prayer.

Exercise is pretty self-explanatory, but I'd add that getting outside is even better. Any amount will help, but there is a thing as too much which can add stress to the body. If you are unsure, do some research or talk to a fitness expert. In general, the recommendations are 30 to 60 minutes 3 to 5 times per week. More for those with sitting jobs and obviously far less if you are a general laborer. We often know what we need once we are willing to honestly look at it.
Healthy diet includes lots of fruit, veggies, whole grains, nuts, seeds, legumes, and limiting free fats, added sugars, and processed foods.

CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, is well researched and documented to help with stress even that caused by circumstances. It also helps deal with painful emotions. I would say this is by far THE MOST important tip, step, key, or whatever you want to call it.  In fact many studies show CBT to be as or even more effective than drugs for depression and anxiety, and far more long lasting because drugs don't cure, they treat the symptoms. Once you learn to use CBT for yourself it lasts a lifetime.  Now there are lots of resources out there and it can look pretty easy but there are some very important features that take real work to make practical for yourself, yet reading self help books such as Dr. David Burns, "Feeling Good", have been proven in research to be effective. In fact in one study more effective than taking drugs.  Having said that not everyone will find relief reading a book, about 1/3 still needed professional help to really apply the principles of CBT, so no shame in talking to someone about that.

Rest is another important key in reducing the effects of stress as well as helping you cope better with stressors.  Getting a good nights sleep, healthy recreation, and taking time to slow down even for just a few minutes a day are all great starting places.

Social activity not only helps you work through stressors like grief and loss, or life changing events, good or bad, but helping others is a proven way to improve your health. Volunteering has been shown to add up to 7 years to ones life and improve the overall quality of aging.

Lastly we have the most obvious of the 7 secrets, identify and reduce stressors.  This one will take some introspection and you can combine it with the first one, prayer.  Taking a few minutes each day to think about what caused you the most anxiety, worry, frustration, anger, fear, annoyance, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  You might even find some things bother you more on certain days.  Sometimes we can cope with circumstances better than other times.  Keep track.  Then are there some you can reduce? Are you spending more than you earn?  What is contributing to your time management issues?

If you want more help with CBT or working out identifying and reducing stressors, join me for a free 15 minute consultation

 

Sources:

• Salleh M. R. (2008). Life event, stress and illness. The Malaysian journal of medical sciences : MJMS, 15(4), 9–18.
• Griffin, R. M. (n.d.). 10 Stress-Related Health Problems That You Can Fix. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/features/10-fixable-stress-related-health-problems#1
• Agnvall, E. (2014, November 01). Stress and Disease - Conditions that May Be Caused by Chronic Stress. Retrieved from https://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-living/info-2014/stress-and-disease.html
• Kandola, A. (n.d.). Chronic stress: Symptoms, health effects, and how to manage it. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323324.php
• Nordqvist, C. (2017, November 28). Stress: Why does it happen and how can we manage it? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/145855.php
• Kandola, A. (n.d.). Why do I keep getting sick? Causes and what to do. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324842.php

Stress, Anxiety, and Hidden Emotions

There’s been some evidence that hidden emotions are linked to some to anxiety issues.  That when we bury, or repress, negative emotions that can lead to anxiety. And since none of us are immune I thought I’d share my own story which of course, is still a work in progress.

I tend to be able to cope with major life or stressful events fairly easily. I go into a task oriented mode and deal with the situation clinically. My faith feels strong and connected with God when it’s a major crisis event. However, when small things upset me in big ways I feel disconnected, alone, even incompetent. As I did some soul searching this past year, I discovered some of the reason I have this problem is a hidden “should statement” in my brain. “I shouldn’t feel this way.” There are different “reasons” for my believing this statement but usually something like: “I should be a bigger person”, “I know better”, “Jesus would just forgive them”, “I should forgive them, I forgiven far worse”, “It’s just a little thing, this is ridiculous it's upsetting me”, “A nice person wouldn’t be bothered by this”, “I should just let this go, it’s no big deal”, and so on. I don’t know if any of these kind of thoughts ring true for you, but they’re pretty common for those of us with anxiety.  The wording may vary from person to person but the theme is similar.

One little text from a friend or family member can set me into a major tailspin, while a car crash I’m able to work through without going through any major anxiety or panic attacks. Then I begin to question my own sanity. “I’m so stupid. Why is this one little thing bugging me? It’s not the end of the world.” But still I find myself stressed over that one little sentence. Other thoughts seep in. In the past family members have been upset with me over what I believe to be very little things. So upset, in once case I never heard from again even after writing a few letters. Like things creating big conflict. Things like forgetting to call before showing up at their home, not keeping in touch often enough (not that they ever kept in touch), posting a picture on social media, or even making a pie (long story). So because it’s happened before I’m thinking FOR sure this is going to happen again. In fact it will likely happen anytime there’s any conflict. 

This is my hidden emotion, or hidden thought if you will. Fear of abandonment because I might have said or done something wrong.  In my mind I wonder what’s wrong with me? I do my best but I still screw up. I put energy into being the best I can be but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough. 

Now I don’t know about you. but I can see a lot of distortion’s, exaggerations, or untruthful thinking, just in those few sentences/questions. But even though I know there’s distortions, and they’re not true, when I’m feeling anxious I believe them 100%.

Most of the time we can crush a thought without figuring out why it’s there in the first place. BUT with hidden emotions we do have to do some digging. While knowing why we have a particular thought doesn’t usually crush it, we end up in a loop of thoughts until we draw it out.  We work on surface negative thoughts but they repeat the next time a stressor comes our way. This is deeper work. Digging down into our hearts.  

One of the ways to search out a hidden emotion is to recognize patterns between certain kinds of stressors/events and certain thoughts.  Another way is to use the “downward arrow” a cognitive technique. And lastly an easy place to start is 'niceness' since, for about 75% of those with anxiety, the most common hidden emotion is niceness.  Now, I know ‘niceness’ isn’t really an emotion. It’s a self-defeating belief.  I’m supposed to be nice (because X) and therefore I can’t be upset, angry, hurt, etc. That’s the emotion part of it. The anger, hurt, etc.  I encourage you to listen to this podcast by Dr. Burns about anxiety and hidden emotions: https://feelinggood.com/2017/03/13/027-scared-stiff-the-hidden-emotion-model-part-5/

But in any case, whatever your hidden emotion/self-defeating belief, to crush the negative thought we may need to use several tools. We need to come up with a positive belief we can believe 100%. One of those techniques is acceptance. The crazy thing about accepting a negative belief is you can actually crush it by seeing the value and truth in it. That may sound really strange, but it actually helps you to positively reframe it. Let me give you an example. So one of my thoughts regarding my anxiety when a mistake is pointed out to me is: “It’s not fair. I try really hard to honour my friends/family’s wishes and when I screw up they shouldn’t be angry with me. I’m only human.” So let’s break that down. First of all, it hinges on the fact that nobody should get angry or upset with me, ever. Is that realistic? What am I asking of those around me if they should never get angry, or hurt, or upset ever? Is that fair of me to expect that of them? Note this line of thinking is doesn’t put more blame on me or them. It’s just to see the reality of the situation as it is. If I screw up and hurt someone they have a right to get upset, hurt, angry, or even just let me know (they might not be feeling any of those things, just pointing out something I did). There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make them a bad person or me a bad person, we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have feelings.  Getting angry isn’t the end of the world, nor does it necessarily mean the end of a friendship. I don’t need to withdraw just because I’m afraid of anger. I might not like it, I might feel uncomfortable about it, I might wish it never happened. Those are acceptable thoughts.

Now there are some truths in my negative thoughts listed above, for example I do try hard. Here’s one way to refrain this thought. I care a lot about my friendships in my family and so I try hard to be the best person I can be but sometimes I screw up and that hurts them. It’s OK for them to express this hurt however it affects them, whether that is anger or pain, and in it which ever way they want to communicate that to me. I don’t have to fix the problem in fact many times I can’t it’s something that can’t be undone.

Positive reframing is only one way to deal with a negative emotion and it works even better if you can dig deep and find the hidden emotions and self-defeating believes underlying this anxiety. Unfortunately positive reframing doesn’t work all the time and sometimes you need other tools where you can talk with someone else through them. I went through this with a negative thought about being a failure as a mother.  I did some of the CBT tools by myself which helped quite a bit. But I still had anxiety on and off until I did a short role-play technique with a peer. That 10 minutes cured months of anxiety and it’s been gone for a year now. Now we do get relapses, that’s guaranteed. But we know the tools to use to help squash those painful anxiety feelings by crushing the negative thoughts. We use the same ones that gave us the first victory. So if your dealing with anxiety, try the self-help books they are very powerful (especially “When Panic Attacks” by Dr. David Burns) and if you still need some support look for someone you can talk to who is willing to work with you using these tools. You can even find a friend who read the book as well, and practice together or look for a therapist near you. Let’s face it we are all defective human beings and it times we need a helping hand. How critical are you someone else who says they need help? I bet you’re more critical of yourself. So if it’s OK for some people to get help why not you?

If you’d like to work with me on an anxiety issue, book a free 15 minute consultation session here.

Faith and Therapy - Is There A Conflict?

Over the years I’ve learned I’m not alone. As unusual and unique my situation and my circumstances, even my thought process at times, when I’ve shared my story I found others who can resonate with the topic of conversation. So I know there are people out there who are wondering, how could I ever go to therapy if I’m a Christian or person of faith? Shouldn’t my faith and scripture be enough? Won't the therapist just try to make me feel better without me changing the way I’m supposed to?

Over the years, as I studied scripture, my faith has grown and strengthened in different ways. First, I’ve learned my God is so big, so amazing, and so loving, His grace truly is sufficient for me. That has brought an immense amount of comfort. But there is an opposing force. Satan, the father of lies, will use anything he can to cause suffering, including your religion. I'm borrowing that from Mike Christison, RCC, MACC, Here’s a link to the podcast "Spirituality and Psychotherapy: Contradictory or Complementary?" for more on this subject. 

There is no conflict between TEAM therapy, or the integrative approach that I use, and faith.  In fact, I found much support within the Bible for the concepts and methods we use.  Here's some of what I found, granted this is from a Christian perspective.  I am by no means trying to alienate other faiths, this is just what I am familiar with. The podcast listed above goes into more detail how those of any faith can benefit from TEAM therapy, and I assure you I would never push my faith in a therapy session EVER!

With that disclaimer, do we see in the Bible those who had issues with "negative" emotions? Of course. In fact, Jesus, our Lord, King, and example, struggled with complex, painful, and conflicting emotions. "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" So, do you take this Bible verse literally? Do you really believe God forsook Jesus? Or perhaps it just felt that way to Christ in that moment of crisis. If the creator of the universe (John 1:1-states Jesus was the creator) could feel so abandoned why are we so hard on ourselves for feeling badly!!!   Job, also had some really painful emotions and he was said to be "a righteous man" by God Himself! Job 15:11,12 “Is God’s comfort too little for you?  Is his gentle word not enough? What has taken away your reason?” 

Reason can go out the window in times of severe stress or emotional crisis, such as King David when we was so ashamed of his sin against Uriah and Bathsheba. 2 Samuel 12:18, “Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. ‘He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,’”  

That's one of the tools of TEAM therapy, we use reason to get us back on track.  This gives us a Biblical foundation for doing cognitive-style therapy (using reason & wisdom) and there is more:

• God commanded us to use reason. Isaiah 1:18, KJV. “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord:” TEAM uses reason at it’s core.  We are arguing with distorted, untruthful, or misapplied negative thoughts.  Reason is how we defeat those thoughts.
• Jesus, our example, used reason. Acts 17:17 ESV. “So he reasoned in the synagogue with the Jews and the devout persons, and in the marketplace every day with those who happened to be there.”
• Wisdom is open to reason. James 3:17, ESV. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.”  Wisdom from heaven is “open to reason.”  This verse also explores how to reason with heavenly wisdom. We can have this.  God’s wisdom is first pure, that is there is no fault in it – no distortions. Then peaceable, gentle, full of mercy, how we reason with others is done warmly with empathy.  It is impartial, no bias, and it is sincere, we must be genuine.
• Thoughts lead to emotions and actions/behaviours is the core of  cognitive therapy and TEAM-CBT. The Bible uses this principle. 1 Peter 1:13, ESV. “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Prepare your mind, the mind is the starting point.  Set your hope, you can choose your emotions and beliefs. Even for bad habits or things we think we can’t control this principle applies.  We start with our thoughts.  Job 31:1, NIV. “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” Making a covenant, purposing in ones heart, these are choices.
• God’s word can help us examine our thoughts. Hebrews 4:12, ESV. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
• We can’t trust all the thoughts and feelings that we have because of our sinful nature. Proverbs 28:26, ESV. “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” Mark 7:21-22, ESV. “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.” Note: the words heart and mind are used interchangeable in scripture.   In our culture heart means emotion, but that was not how it was used 1000’s of years ago.  Even still you could argue that still works, because when we control our thoughts we control our emotions. Romans 8:6, ESV. “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Philippians 2:5, ESV. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…”
• Feelings are not our guide, thoughts must be and they can be on better things. Proverbs 19:2, ESV. “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” Colossians 3:1-2, ESV. “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” We can change our minds and be a new person. Ephesians 4:23, ESV. “..be renewed in the spirit of your minds…” 1 Corinthians 2:16, ESV. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” 
• Working on a spiritual level is important. Colossians 3:2 ESV. “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” This verse also can be used as a promise that the thing of this earth don’t need to consume our minds. 

There are even Bible verses about negative thoughts that are in line with TEAM therapy (and other therapy models, including CBT, DBT, mindfulness, etc.):

•  Negative thoughts seem real. Proverbs 14:12 as well as Proverbs 16:25, ESV. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” This verse is almost word for word the same in both places. Bible writers would repeat things that were of extra importance, thus we can deduce God is really cautioning us about thinking we know what is right in absolute terms.  Being open to exploring what we believe is the only safe guard. We can be sure about what we believe about ourselves, others, or even how we understand the Bible, yet be wrong.  Reason, prayer, surrender, along with continued study are vital to know truth. 
• We can kill our own happiness by the negative thoughts that we believe.  Proverbs 15:26, ESV. “The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but gracious words are pure.” Since “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” we are not excluded from this verse. So, are you being gracious to yourself, having pure or truthful thoughts?
• Bible teaches us to dispute our negative thoughts. 1 Corinthians 3:18 ESV. “Let no one deceive himself...”  1 John 4:1, ESV. “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” We can be influence by the spirits/Angels around us, for good or bad.  We could also view this verse as talking about our own spirit and thoughts. Replace the word spirit with thought and this is how it reads, Beloved, do not believe every thought, but test the thoughts to see whether they are from God, for many false theories have gone out into the world.

We have permission from scripture to work on our belief system, in TEAM therapy we call it analyzing self-defeating beliefs (REBT and CBT therapists also work on self-defeating beliefs), and there is biblical evidence certain tools can be effective:

• Humility is critical. This verse could also be used to support acceptance. 1 Corinthians 3:18 ESV. “…If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise.”
• God has something better for us than our current self-defeating beliefs. Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Ephesians 5:17, ESV. “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
• Life isn’t fair, but God is. James 1:2, ESV. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds…” Trials and challenges shape us, and if we allow it, make us better people.  God can turn bad experiences into a positive outcomes for those that are willing to trust Him. Romans 8:28, NIV. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Notice, it doesn’t say all things are good, or all things work good.  There is a catch to this verse, all things work for the good of those who love him. Love trusts.
• Positive reframing and straightforward thinking are tools I use in my sessions with clients. The Bible supports we are to focus on positive thoughts. Philippians 4:8, ESV. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
• Examine the evidence, another tool in the TEAM and other therapy models. Testing thoughts to see if they are true. Romans 12:2, ESV.  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Acts 17:11, ESV. “… they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.”

That's just the tip of the iceberg so to speak.  There is support for us to work through some of the stuff that goes on in our heads. It's ok to get help and support, God understands.  In fact, I strongly believe God has given me the tools to do this job.  I felt called to become a therapist, so there must be people God has out there that need me to be a therapist. Just seems logical to me.

Here's a disclaimer that actually ties this all together, or I hope it does. A good therapist from any background is there to be a guide but they are on dangerous ethical ground if they work against your belief system vs your self-defeating beliefs or cognitive distortions (distorted thoughts). Most therapists try to honor their clients without imposing their own ideas. Now, I admit from experience this doesn't always happen, and research shows desire/effort doesn't always equal success. If you feel your therapist seems to be leading you in a direction not congruent with your belief system, OR if your therapist doesn't realize you feel in conflict, it is up to you to tell them how you feel. Also, not every counsellor is a good fit for every client.  I'm certainly not perfect, and I am not a good fit for every client either. It's ok to shop around! 

If you do want to give me a try, and you live in Canada, I'd love to talk with you. If you live in the USA, or elsewhere, I offer life coaching which can be quite effective for many life challenges too! Book a free 15 minute consultation, to learn more.