There
I sat one morning, crying. Nothing had happened yet. The day was still ahead of
me, same as the day before. The to do list sitting on my computer. The cat
snuggled up on my lap. Me trying to wake up at 5 AM. But this morning a few tears
flowed even though "nothing" had happened...yet.
While
anticipatory grief refers to grieving before an event is finalized, such as
getting a cancer diagnosis or other terminal illness, we can even experience
bouts of grief based on what we think the answer to a test result might be. Our
brains interpret what we believe as a real event. If are thinking that this might really
happen, we start processing as if it already has. Much like when watching TV, your brain doesn't know it's fake or artificial. The emotions you experience are very real.
For
me that morning, it was waiting on a diagnosis for my father. I’m still waiting as I write
this. No matter, the stress is real in any case. Learning to cope effectively
with these kind of events is the reality of our modern age. So much of what we
experience is "artificial." I'm not sure that's even the right word since we are in uncharted waters. Gone are the days when two months later a letter came
in the mail that your spouse died on the battlefield. Now at every newsflash
your heart quakes with worry, was that near his/her posting? Gone are the days when you went on with life, frequently thinking about your children, hoping they were doing well across the
country as they started a new life for themselves. Now, we obsessively check Facebook
and worry when our texts are not returned in a few minutes. We don't have to wait for news to come by pony or even postal truck, now we are connected to the entire world 24/7.
Stressors
are at an all-time high in our artificial world. It’s artificial in the sense
that the event hasn’t happened yet, we are being bombarded by information that
may or may not be relevant or real. Millions of
us watch a fake, make up world on fictional television. Even our social interactions
on social media is partly artificial because we
don’t express exactly what is going on but rather share cherry picked pictures and ideas.
Our
brains and bodies have to adapt to whole new world in this fast modern digital
age. So how can we cope? How can we take back control from the flood of
information that changes our perception of reality, even if reality hasn’t
changed? Step back. Give yourself time away from all the
banter, the electronics, the world. Spend a few minutes in a natural, real environment. Walk the dog in a park, do some gardening, bake some cookies, have tea with a neighbor, take up sewing, the list is just about endless. Do something outside in nature adds some other health benefits, but there’s a lot you can do even in your own
home. Brainstorm what would be helpful for you. The only parameters, you need to enjoy it, it must be something in the moment and physical or tangible.
What
about those moments of sadness, worry, or stress when we are just thinking of what might be? Well, those emotions are real even if the event isn’t.
Embrace it for a moment, then work on your thoughts. Deal with any distortions you might be having. Make sure you’re not
catastrophizing, making it bigger than it is in this moment, or overgeneralizing, i.e. this one event ruins my entire life (a future event can't take away your past). More on clearer thinking here. Right now
you’re worried and you have every right to feel stressed and concerned. Whether the
test results are for you or for family member. Or maybe you’re at dissipating
grief for some other reason in any case embrace the moment and move through it.
For more on anticipatory grief check out my previous blog article here.
PS: You are always welcome to chat with me. I offer a free 15 minute consultation.
